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My last blog post here.

I am home in my bed feeling a little bit of everything. I’m tiny bit upset with myself that I didn’t do better, but that’s just me being hard on myself. I am actually trying to be a better person because the old me isn’t very nice. The transition is worthwhile because loving myself is so damn rewarding!!

I didn’t win the challenge but Gwenny did!!! Yay Gwen. Not an ounce of jealousy, as I’m truly happy for her. I did snag two awards for my speech and courage. I defied the odds stacked against me and came out a winner. I won so much!! My life, my children’s respect, confidence, strength, the list is endless. Then to top it off I have had people messaging me and coming up to me saying I have inspired them to take that first step to bettering their lives. Well damn!!! Not a bad start i say I believe I will have a successful career and I will make a difference in the world.

Ok I have a million things to say and not enough energy to do it. Don’t forget my name please. I am hoping to have my blog going soon, so watch me on fb so you don’t miss anything.

Created on 2017-05-17 06:14:46

May 15, 2017

Bittersweet. This will be my second to last blog post, and it already feels like my dog died. Seriously though, this blog has been my confidant, therapist, and way to cope. I can say my journey was insanely tumultuous. I’m hard on myself for not losing the weight I had intended to, but realize the emotional stuff I dug up overtook my ability. Some days I’m ashamed because the other ladies look so great with their weight loss, and my change is on the inside where no one can see. Then again is it? I’m so amazed at my courage and that’s got to count for something right?

The challenge ends tomorrow, and the next chapter of my story begins. I plan on starting my own blog, and possibly a YouTube channel. I start counselling next week, and I have some goals to crush. Here they are in no attainable order.

Lose 50 lbs, by paying attention to my eating.

Join and maintain boot camp and kickboxing.

Confront my molestor.

Confront my mother.

Inspire others to strive for better.

 

If only someone put the time and energy to push me as a child. Instead of giving me free reign to make adult decisions. Yes, I’m still bitter, but I acknowledge that and am working on it. I was a whole lot of broken and this challenge pushed me to glue the pieces back together.

I know I didn’t do enough to win tomorrow, and I know where I went wrong. I ate shitty and justified it. That was my coping mechanism, and I’m okay with that. I began eating poorly almost daily after Tigh Na Mara and stayed in bed unless I had to go out. Hearing those stories and feeling others pain brought mine out in full force. Every day is hard and I’m scared. I’m scared to say out loud what was done to me as a child. I feel like that little girl every day!! I feel how she felt and I’m just sad. So damn sad that her life ended all those years ago, and she grew into a not very good person, and is coming out as a strong fierce powerful woman. So please understand I have my moments, and my journey has just begun.

I look forward to tomorrow to strut my attitude in some super fun outfits and be with 5 incredible new friends. I hope we all stay friends because I know I’ll need the support.

 

Created on 2017-05-16 05:37:29

May 14, 2017

Happy Mothers Day!!!

GRATITUDE 

I am grateful first and foremost for my Grandmother Lucille Johnstone. She never had any of her own children, but adopted 3 native children. I was adopted by one of those 3  and I had many luxuries because of her. I don’t agree with all her decisions growing up, as some hurt me in the long run, but overall I would not have had it easy if it wasn’t for her! She worked her ass off because she LOVED what she did, but she worked hard to give us adopted children a better life. I miss the old days when we were a strong family; the only family I ever knew. I miss my grandma every single day, and when the going gets tough I often look at her picture looking for her guidance.

Looking for a good read? Want to know where my values come from? Read my Grandma’s story. It’s amazing how successful and driven she was.

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I am forever grateful forever grateful for my brother Eddie. He spoke the language of love. He never held on to more than a dozen words at a time, but boy did he ever teach me about love. Eddie has changed my views on life. I miss his smile, and his love for me and puppies. I know he is my guardian angel…. Eddie, in time, I will meet you there.

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I am grateful for my children. As much as my sobriety is my choice my children keep me going with it. Seeing how much they have changed since I stopped being so selfish is astonishing. My oldest struggles with anxiety. He is every much my son, and I see so much of me it scares me. I’ve noticed incredible changes in Jack recently, and I am optimistic that life is slowly coming into place.

Jack actually smiled and allowed me to take his picture. This does not happen often! There’s years where he outright refused school pictures even.

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Now for some beauty gratitude. Too many to name, but to each and every sponsor you are amazing! I speak for myself when I say you have helped me see my own beauty. I was in such a rut where I felt ugly. Being told I was ugly I actually believed it. Enter the Total Makeover Challenge and I’ve had coaching to help me cope, and countless perks that have beautified me. Thank you!! If it wasn’t for you all supporting this great cause women like me would stay under their comfort rock far too long!! All of you had a part in saving my life, and for that I am forever grateful.

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Hey you, the ones with their logos to the left of this blog, the ones who voted countless times for me, the ones who called me saying I inspired change in them, the ones who liked all my posts, the ones who called me saying your doing great. To all my supporters I am grateful for you. 

Now, to the ones who message me saying they too were abused. The ones telling me they are inspired by my honesty. The ones who have the courage to share their story with me. I am so grateful my story can help others. I suffered years of trauma and it can help others! I have reason to keep going. Abusing substance and sitting in my shit does nothing! Being sober and sharing my story can save people years more of shit. I cannot get my time back, but I sure can use my time now to save others!

Lastly. I am grateful for my new and old friendships. I may not have many, but the ones I have count! Thank you JeNn for this philosophy. Reason, season, or a lifetime. I am grateful for my past and present friends. You all have had purpose in my life.

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Created on 2017-05-14 15:48:47

May 13, 2017

I was so exhausted last night I forgot to blog. Williams birthday party was amazing!! I had bought a certificate from Angie for a fish hatchery birthday party last month, and boy what a great decision. So many happy kids, and the 2 1/2 hours went by fast and smoothly. Only one child fell in (thankfully only a bit higher than his boots) and William was overjoyed with his friends that came. A few people did not come, but I was expecting it. Also, some people who were or should have been there were not. I’m hurt by this. I’m constantly let down, and as this journey has taught me to stand up for myself  I feel the need to evaluate my friendships.

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Today was a new day, and what a GREAT day it was. I participated in my first ever 5k walk/run. You can guess that I walked, but I walked it with Shannon and Angie and we finished in 56.06 minutes!!! That’s a great accomplishment to me!! JeNN you can count me in for next year!!! Only difference is I’ll be running it. I cannot thank everyone enough for these opportunities. Wendy Foster spoke from her heart today, and really touched me. I suffer from mental health issues, and to hear people open up on the issue is nothing short of amazing.

 

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Created on 2017-05-14 02:57:40

May 11, 2017

Finally in bed at just after 11pm. Today was a non stop go go go kind of day. I had two fittings at The Running Room and Suzy Shier. I love both outfits and can’t wait to strut my stuff at the fashion show.

Tomorrow is Williams birthday party at the fish hatchery, and I’m almost done prepping for it. His cake is half way done, veggies cut, spinach dip made, and goody bags packed and ready. I had a lot of fun making his minecraft cake. I should have done a practice one as I had no direction just a picture. I made a lake with jello in the middle of a rice crispy ground. It started to seep but I saved it by quickly freezing it. I absolutely LOVE to feed people. My grandma fed everyone fabulous meals. She often made lunches for board room meetings with places she ran, like St Johns Ambulance, and called it cheap and cheerful!! She sure knew how to cut costs. I get my love for cooking from her. I can easily pull off a dinner for 30 in my tiny kitchen. You may stand while you eat, but you’ll enjoy it!! Of course other than birthdays I don’t do feasts now. Sober life means a quiet life with less friends.

Well I should definitely get some sleep. I still have party stuff to do tomorrow.

If you could also do me a favour. Check my fb page out and like my original Optiks International video. The video with the most likes wins a pair of glasses. Thanks!!!

Created on 2017-05-12 06:18:55

May 10, 2017

The dreaded voting is done. It is now out of my hands, and I find out Tuesday after the fashion show who wins. I’m absolutely okay with being a runner up, but my fingers are crossed I did enough to win. Ive had some low points, but I NEVER gave up!!

I don’t know what it is, but I’m feeling like my support system in real life is at a low. I have a very small handful of friends, but it’s still weird. I went from popular to not in the amount of time I got sober. I don’t feel huge connections anymore. I don’t get tons of texts or calls and it has me feeling down. I try to put myself out there and in the end I feel ignored. So, what do I do about it? I’m sure as shit not going to let it slow me down. I am realizing who my real friends are, and if you’ve ever met Kendra, Kristina, or Nikki you would know that quality trumps quantity every single time. I can always count on Branae and Rachel for ANYTHING!! And my cousin that I stole from a previous relationship Michelle motivates me by how I inspire her.

Deep breaths…. I’m a certain type of crazy, and you either love me or hate me. Today I decided I don’t care what others think of me. I can rise above it all. I know my family is proud of me, and I got so much to do to provide them mini me’s with a solid life

I have filled out an application for an internship with Shape Your World Society and im super freaked out!!! But in a good way!! If I get it I will be pushed and it will keep me going with my growth. I will learn so much and best part is I’ll be helping people! I also talked to the 5 and 2 that serve coffee to the less fortunate and I will be paying it forward by feeding them once every two weeks. I have a documentary idea growing in my head too!! I’m actually really passionate about the idea, and I can’t wait to start figuring it out. I still need work, but the search is on hold one week until the challenge is over.

Now to finish up I leave you with pictures of Earls chef table choices. Boy oh boy!!! Did we feast!!! Thank you Earls Chilliwack for one memorable meal.

 

Of course my drinks were non alcoholic. I would never kill my light again with alcohol.

If your looking to try the best darn dynamite roll ever order one from Earls!!

Oh, I added my kitten because that’s exactly how I felt last night when I got home.

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Created on 2017-05-11 05:42:00

May 8, 2017

Did I mention how much I love modelling? Well in case I didn’t I love it!!! Tonight we had our second rehearsal and damn!!! We rocked it!!! Your never to old to chase your dreams!!

I finished my video today too!!! What!!! It’s not even due until tomorrow!!! I must be getting on track in the life department. If you ask my friends they’ll all tell you how much happier I am.

A wise friend told me today to enjoy the ride, so I’m going to. As much as I plead for votes I stay in last place. Why stress what I cannot change. I did my best regardless. Some may not agree, but if you dissect my progress it’s pretty darn amazing!! Not many people could stand tall after the shit that gets thrown my way. I get it though!! I endured it because I can survive it, and use it to help others!!!

So stay tuned!!

Created on 2017-05-09 05:07:35

May 7, 2017

I can’t believe the challenge is over soon. The last 4 months have been full of intense stuff. It seems  like forever ago I was at the meet and greet. I’ve done so much to win this challenge and now it’s almost done. It got me thinking after Nikki discussed life after the challenge.

Im looking forward to life after the challenge!! Ok, so I’m in last place of voting and no matter what I do it’s not changing. I’m not giving up, but I’m thinking of life after the challenge. Everyone says we’re all winners for making it this far, and you know what? I sure am a winner. If you knew the destructive woman I was 7 months ago you wouldn’t even know she was me. I shock myself with the progress I’ve made. After 22 years of being a drinker I’m 203 days sober. Only time I’ve done that is through my pregnancies. I’m happy most of the time, and I actually work towards my goals to have a better future.

Now let’s talk weight. No I haven’t lost as much as I wanted, and I can only blame myself. Thing is, I’m happy with my weight loss because this challenge opened my eyes to my eating disorder. I am starting therapy in 2 weeks. We’re talking intense therapy where I will relive my past. I’m going to put the work in to fix me.

Im going to school in September, and I will be finding work. I write nightly now. I will continue to go to the gym, and heal myself. This challenge wasn’t to win the grand prize (although whoever wins it is darn lucky). I joined this challenge because I was stuck!! Stuck in the cocoon of my sinking in bed from being overweight. Stuck being depressed and scared of the outside world because I thought everyone’s opinions of me mattered. Stuck waiting to die. Well not anymore!! I won my life back!!

Filled with gratitude everyday.

Tomorrow will be a great day.

Created on 2017-05-08 04:47:51

May 6, 2017

Today is going to be a great day!! Yesterday is over thankfully!! It was my 2nd wedding anniversary and it did not go as planned. If I would have blogged last night I would’ve complained a lot lol, so I opted for a morning post. Yes, last night sucked. I cried all night, and reached out to someone in the challenge. I took her advice and relaxed for me, and told myself that tomorrow will be a great day.

Lets be honest here. I’m in last place for voting, and although someone needs to be last it doesn’t feel so good. I know deep down I’m a winner regardless. The tools I’ve learnt, friends I’ve made, and all around change is my prize, but winning would be FABULOUS!!

I am looking forward to the fashion show!! Like little girl dream coming true happy!! Ok, just in case you thought my childhood all sucked your wrong. I had many happy moments growing up, and I learnt to escape. From early on I knew I wanted to be famous!! Age 3, full time dance lessons and modelling through Blanch Mcdonald. Age 5, enter Fort Langley Fine Arts school. I was into dance, drama, and music. Children’s choir, check. Played the saxophone, check. My mom pushed for fame for herself, but for me I got to be someone else!! I lived in my head all the time. Choreographing dances to perform at any whim. Oh the dreams I had!! I was such a gorgeous girl with beautiful long hair. What happened? You must be wondering.

Well years of abuse piled up. The sexual abuse lasted for years, and by the time the secret came out my mom went crazy. Told everyone who would listen how her poor daughter was molested. And of course by who. Oh the shame built up. Then I noticed the hatred from her. She wouldn’t talk to me, and always grounded me. I hid in my room from the monster. All she cared about was partying and her many boyfriends. I grew to hate her and left her to live between other family members. I was given free reign to my life at 12. By 14 I was promiscuous, party animal, and dark. I wrote dark poetry and thought of ways to die often. I never kept friends long going from Abbotsford to Surrey to joining the carnival at 14/15. I was bar hopping by 16. I never felt love.

Today, I sit in my emotions every day. From guilt to anger to sadness. Each day is different. I go from extremely happy to extremely sad as I learn at 36 how to be human. How to live and move on. This is not easy!!! Ending a cycle is hard work, and it’s weighing me down.

Today is going to be a good day. I am going to Cleos to pick outfits for the fashion show. I am going to shine!! I get my chance to be Center of attention again, and I get to feel great about myself. I am going to cherish these moments forever. Thank you!! Everyone who is involved in my journey!! You have all helped me live, and for that I am forever grateful.

Created on 2017-05-06 15:34:46

May 4, 2017

Can how I scream now!!? From the top of the highest mountain AHHHHHHHH. Ok, deep breaths!! I’ve been so darn happy the last two days and feeling so confident, and bam life throws a grenade. I feel like I’m looking at a huge billboard and it reads “BONNIE DOES NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER!”

So if you can’t tell my day ended on a sour note. My oldest son never lets me forget how bad of a mom I used to be. I’ve tried really hard these last 7 months ending the cycle, but it is such a long road to complete happiness. Little jabs, laughing in my face, disrespect all gets my blood boiling and literally breaks my heart. Deep down I know he’s 14, and I was much worse, but when will he feel I’ve paid my dues? I honestly feel like I’m having a heart attack, but I’m sure it’s just my heart breaking. That he’s so angry and upset that he hurts me, and then we both feel terrible. Thing is, I will never forget being a loser, and I feel I’ve made such progress that I am not!!!

This challenge has put my life out there fully. My husbands exes follow my journey, and my exes family too. I’m completely vulnerable and it’s an uneasy feeling. I’m so afraid of failure, yet so used to it. Geez I’m an emotional one hey. When my son harps into me like he does it reminds me of my ex, and it all floods back. I was told so often that I was never enough. No one would love me. I’m ugly. This all floods back the feelings of being a unwanted child. It’s a viscous cycle, and I’m done feeling this way. My new mentor Brenda told me to stop walking on eggshells and take ownership!! So I did, and my oldest stood laughing at me. Ugh I hate being laughed at. So now I cry while I blog (better than eating) and try to figure out my plan because I know where I went wrong, and I cannot change the past as much as I want to.

I can’t wait to start counselling!!! Finally someone I can tell EVERYTHING to. What, you mean there’s more?? Absolutely!! I’ve always said I’ve lived a life of ten people. I’ve been dealt more pain than most can handle, and yet I still try again. I’m a fighter that’s for sure!! So I’m going to do what I know best!! Fight for respect from my children. Fight for the career I want. Fight for the life I want. And of course FIGHT for top 1!!

Last time I was in this spot I gave up. I was drinking too much, and definitely did not deserve to win. I believe deep down I deserve this.

Created on 2017-05-05 04:23:31

May 3, 2017

Excuse my missing post last night. Let me explain what happened. I went to the gym and got everything on my to do list completed. Headed out to Jenny’s fabulous home to do our vision boards, and it hit me. My mouth started watering and as much as I fought it I discreetly headed to the washroom where I not so graciously got sick to my stomach. Not my favourite time to pray to the porcelain god, but better there than all over myself.

Oh wait!!! The nights not over yet!! Shannon drove me home. We’re headed down the freeway when it hits me, and Shanny says tell me to pull over if you need. I try to get through the ride home, but it’s starting again. I abruptly tell her to stop because it’s coming. Well I couldn’t wait and puked ALL OVER THE SIDE OF HER CAR AND MY FACE!!! 

Ok that’s it. I’m done lol. Checked myself into bed after rinsing her car off, and feeling better today. I’m glad I can laugh about it now, but man did I feel horrible last night. Less than two weeks left and I wasn’t fully involved last night. Sorry ladies!!!

Anyhow, today was better. It was Williams 7th birthday, and he’s overly excited about being 7. He thinks because he’s 7 he can do much more. Reach for the stars my son!!

I want to point out one last thing. Today something clicked. I’m mentally happy. I’m good with my decisions, and I’m feeling the motivation to succeed. Now off to tuck my birthday boy in and relax.

Please don’t forget to start voting tomorrow at 3pm

Created on 2017-05-04 03:31:07

May 1, 2017

New day, new week, new month!! This means I can pick myself back up and get back on track. I’ve been lost in my thoughts since the retreat and it didn’t take long for old habits to creep back in. I’m sick of this hamster wheel. I went to the gym today, cooked a healthy dinner, and played just dance with my daughter. Now to repeat this because I do feel good after working out.

Tomorrow is weigh day and although I feel okay about the scale I still dread it. I don’t like feeling like a failure, I’ve done enough of that in my life. We have our video challenge due soon so now is probably a good time to get going on that. I have always kept my creative self suppressed and this challenge makes you use your skills.

Well im lost for words, so good night all.

 

Noticing the midsection decreasing

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Created on 2017-05-02 04:13:02

April 30, 2017

I believe because of the trauma in my life and the addictions I’ve overcome I am an emotional person. As a kid I cried at every whim, and of course no one knew that I cried because I was broken inside. This has followed me throughout my entire life. If I am confronted I cry, looked at differently cry, etc. Then there’s this hard side of me from all the anger I let build up. My hateful mother, my abusive ex, and each person who has had a part in breaking me down.

I watched a documentary last night with Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain, and instantly I was glued to the television because I loved Nirvana as a rebellious teen who dabbled in psychedelic substances. Kurt sang “Where did you sleep last night” live and their were little notes he would write. They were dark and painful. Listen to him sing the lyrics, and watch I mean REALLY watch and listen and you can see the pain!! Open up to it and you can feel his pain!! I cry as I write this because it got me!! I know that pain of being a nobody, and not being able to cope so you numb it and so the cycle begins. No I am not a rock star, but I felt his pain as one in the same as mine in his music. So powerful!!! I wonder if my words do that for anyone.

I definitely do not have my shit together, but I’m so grateful that I’m not where I was over 7 months ago giving up on life. I have so much pain, and I cry everyday as I try to work through it, but it’s so rewarding. For too many years I cried about it drunk and looked like a fool. I was a broken record repeating itself for years. No more!! Life’s tough, but I’m tougher!!

 

On a a lighter note, I love my new look!! Huge thank you to Kristy at Fusion and Bethany for make up. Andrew and Arlene were amazing as always at Photoart by Simpson!!

 

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Created on 2017-05-01 02:48:37

April 28, 2017

Okay! No gym today!! What is going on. I’m falling into old habits, and I don’t like it. In my defence I have been busy, and back to family Kinect dance party tomorrow. I’m getting used to the idea of getting a job because that gets me one step closer to moving.

Tonight was my sweetlegs party, and it was a blast!! Lots of girls came, and we ended it with a clothing swap. We all tried on our outfits for tomorrow’s photos with Photoart by Simpson. I’m actually feeling comfortable about my outfit, and just might feel absolutely beautiful!! I will quickly blog and show some sneak peaks, but I plan on staying offline tomorrow. My husbands birthday is tomorrow, so I’ll be spending my day with the family other than my hair, makeup, and pictures. I have been so busy with this challenge and my entire lifestyle change that I need to stay off my phone for his day.

So check back tomorrow to see how I look.

Created on 2017-04-29 06:41:03

April 27, 2017

In true fashion I did not keep my promise. No gym today. I really feel overwhelmed, and I’ve immersed myself into the books I came home with from the retreat. Some may say I’m just coming up with excuses, but in all honesty I’m breaking!! I don’t want to leave the house, and my past is coming back in full force. I’m sad and mad!! Part of me wants to suppress all of it again. Why not it’s what I’ve done my whole life. It’s just I am so sick of barely living, so I have to embark on this journey to complete self help.

Please understand that while I go through this I may not seem myself. I no longer will lie about my life!! If my past hurts you then deal with it. If my ex who beat me is your friend then that’s your problem. If you find out who molested me and that makes you uncomfortable…. deal with it!! I’m so sick and tired of living my life to please others.

Well tomorrow is an extremely busy day, so check back tomorrow to find out how I survived another day.

Created on 2017-04-28 05:17:54

April 26, 2017

I have had many ah ha moments during this challenge, but the light bulb came on this morning. What was I missing from this weekend? I was handed tools I have never used in my life. I have never had to work for anything hard. If I expect to be the change I see I need to work! HARD!! 

I got a message today by a woman who has a story, and it was because of my raw blog yesterday that she confided in me. Bam, the fire is ignited in me!! There’s so many who have stories and no voice. Let me help them find their voice! I have ideas!!! I promise you I will write a book or two! I have some fantastic ideas regarding documentaries. I want to understand more deeply, and I have an urge to emerge myself into native communities. I want to help……

So, I applied for a job today, and Shannon is helping me with a resume. I haven’t had one in over a decade. I was in silence for many years with my ex. I fear the outside world, and am afraid I’m not competent enough for a job, but I’m putting my best foot forward and am conquering my fear. I will work, save, write, blog,  and move my butt to the island!! My goal is to be there in a year. Now I always set goals and quit, but I have opened so many doors I can’t close them all. I refuse to go back.

Now to get my physical health on track. I must go to the gym tomorrow!!

Check back tomorrow night to see if I kept my promise.

Created on 2017-04-27 06:06:55

April 25, 2017

Where do I start? Okay, I’ll quickly backtrack to the weekend. I expected to blog daily about how great this trip was, but instead I took all I could from it and crashed!! I met so many women I want to connect with and I left feeling stronger!! The conference was filled with laughter and tears. I could sit here and list the ladies and their incredible strength, but I’m not going to. Instead I’ll explain what is happening to me.

As I shared a piece of myself and saw it inspired others I felt powerful. I felt loved and worthy. Do you know what it’s like to hate yourself? To be so ashamed of your own skin that you feel everyone thinks poorly of you too? Well I do. I was given power to stand on my story not in it, and it’s starting to scare the shit out of me.

Yes, I was molested as a child.

For years.

I have no trust in anyone.

I am embarrassed by this statement, and it makes me feel dirty.

I’m not ready to address this person, as I was taught to forgive, forget, move on. I never forgave, I never forgot, and I NEVER moved on. Instead, I grew to hate myself, I became a very angry, rude, ignorant human being. Instead of forgetting I numbed myself by using drugs and booze at a young age. I gave up living and began coasting through life waiting for the end. Move on? Nope, I ran away. California at 16 with a man I met online. Carnival across Canada at 15 on and off until 25.

I do not feel comfortable where I live. I honestly want to move away!! From my past, so I can start over. Deal with this trauma and learn to live. I can’t even say live again because I’ve never truly lived a life of happiness. It’s always fake. My life is a sham. Forget Bonnie and how the fuck I am doing. It’s about protecting everyone but ME!!

I went to weigh in tonight, and I’m up 2.6 lbs which is great because I expected 8 lbs. I left early to come home because William had extensive dental surgery today and needs his mommy. Worst part is I’m so depressed I’m not sure I’m doing a good job in the mommy department. As I sit here crying I’m trying to figure out my next steps.

I would love to live on the island, and write. So I need an income. What does an uneducated woman do? I’m so lost and scared to live.

Please check back, because I only have a few weeks left to blog on this site. My hope is I will bless my readers with daily posts again. No more silencing myself.

Created on 2017-04-26 02:32:29

April 20, 2017

Busy. Busy. Busy!! It was a non stop morning and a snuggle with my husband before I embarked  on my journey for a weekend of empowerment. My anxiety through the roof and thoughts about not getting on the ferry. Ready to eat the $76 in parking costs and go home. Screw the challenge. I’m not ready for this I kept telling myself. Of course Shannon got me settled, and on the ferry I go. Unfortunately my mind was also fixated on a problem between a friend and I, and I don’t do well in awkward situations either, so I’m ready to flee. It’s my cycle. Why do you think I enjoyed being a carnie lol. I got to LEAVE every spring and return in the fall.

We get to the Tigh Na Mara Spa & Resort and quickly unpacked our stuff and headed to the event with Frock Off. This Frockolicious group of woman who empower woman. I had NO IDEA what we were walking into, and let me tell you it was a welcoming shock!! We were late to the event, but still invited to the pre event. I quickly got my name tag and sat at a table with some very important women and dove into the task at hand. I went after Shannon, and I had 1 minute to ask my why (how). I got an idea of what the ladies were about, so I gave a brief intro (hi I’m Bonnie. I’m a survivor. I want to inspire change. I want to be a motivational speaker. How can I do this and survive. Then for 3 minutes everyone brainstormed and wrote it down while I listened. Boom!! Not even 10 minutes in and I have ideas AND contacts, but just wait!!! Now we vote on who at the table should get the chance to stand up on stage and share again, and get the whole room to give you ideas by writing them down and handing them personally to you. Well I was chosen to share, so of course I tear up and start shaking. Haha some speaker I’m turning out to be. Lol. Well I get up in front of a room of ladies I don’t know (other than those I came with) and shared. Honestly!! From the heart. Guess what happened!!!? I got lots of applause!!!! Hugs!!! As I stood waiting for maybe a couple of ideas or even support or encouragement they came slowly and steadily. I was shaking!!! There was so much power in this room!! I felt loved, respected, and honoured. 18!!!! 18 fabulous women handed me a note. I held them close to my heart, and read them at my cabin.

Im shaking just rethinking the moment. Gratitude… 

 

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Created on 2017-04-22 07:07:32

April 19, 2017

My last night in my bed before I go away until Sunday. I have loads of anxiety about leaving my family and sleeping alone. Who knows maybe I’ll love it. My husband is looking forward to getting 3 good night sleeps in, as I’m a constant snorer and not the cute kind either. I have actually woken myself up from my own snoring. Sorry in advance ladies.

I have googled the Tigh Na Mara and am looking forward to relaxing and participating in the seminar by Frock Off. I need some empowerment as I feel my old routines slipping back. I don’t want to go back to the old me, but I’m in a slump. Lots on my mind as I passed my 6 months of being clean and sober. I miss feeling important and my big group of friends. Obviously I realize my true friends are still with me, but we all have busy lives. I need a career. I need purpose. I hope to find that very soon.

Make sure to check back daily!! I’ll have so much to share!!

Created on 2017-04-20 05:59:13

April 17, 2017

Weekend spent with family. Check

Ate lots of turkey. Check

Relaxed. Check

Stepped out of my comfort zone and jumped at Extreme Air Park with the lovely JeNN (better not forget the two N’s). Check!!

 

What a fabulous weekend. I have survived so far with not owning a scale, but I’ll be honest, I totally wanted to dig it out of the trash lol. I had a very quiet weekend spent with my husband and children, and a fabuslous day with Jenn today. I don’t have a whole lot to say right now, but I must share how happy I am today.

 

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Created on 2017-04-18 00:26:10

April 14, 2017

Being in the top 6 should mean I’m accomplishing my goals and seeing such change right? Well wrong!! I mean yea I’m reaching little goals, but I haven’t grasped this whole lifestyle change as quickly as the other girls. I’m losing weight, but it’s at a slow pace with lots of bumps along the way. I’m 180 sober today, but my problem now is food. I read an article today explaining the yo-yo dieting and a scale. Some people weigh themselves daily, and then there’s people like me who weighs in multiple times throughout the day. If I go up I don’t eat, and if I go down I eat too much. So I’m throwing the scale out in hopes I stay on track.

Now food addiction is a real thing for me. I find it extremely hard to say no to fatty and sugary foods. I think about junk food frequently and it’s getting me down. If I eat poorly I am guilt ridden for days, and if I eat healthy I feel deprived. I wish food wasn’t such a tough thing for me, but it is so I need to get a grasp on it. I have started logging my food in again to keep accountable, and I’m back to daily gym visits. I also wrote a schedule to keep my eating to 5-6 small meals a day. Here’s to overcoming my addiction to food.

Created on 2017-04-14 23:49:38

April 12, 2017

I made it into the Top 5 plus Wildcard!!! After two days of being really nervous it all worked out in the end. I was in this same place two years ago when I made top 10, but I spiralled into an addiction that held me like never before in my life. I’m going to get serious this segment, not because I want 1st place (although I’ll gladly take it), but because in 5 weeks the challenge is over and I want to get EVERYTHING I can out of this challenge and the people involved. I never want to be that old Bonnie again!!

So I’ve had a lot on my mind today. 5 of us moved on and 10 did not. I absolutely think I would be upset if my place was reversed but it is not, so I don’t know how I would act. I do know though that if my part in the challenge ended yesterday I would continue to reach my goals with the tools I’ve been given. Embracing what we have learnt is the point of this challenge!! Shape your world’s motto is Grow. Evolve. Empower. Who cares who wins. What matters is what we become out of what we learned along the way. I for one have grown up a lot. I was a nobody before this, a has been wanna be thug, mouthy, lost girl who because of her upbringing lived two very different lives. Today I am a woman finding her place in this world and making it count. The past is done and the future is there for me to take. So I have definitely evolved and do not plan on stopping. To empower woman is my goal in life. Maybe I lived such a hard life because I’m meant to save another.

To all the ladies in this challenge. I encourage us to keep our friendships. All of the ladies I’ve met have been a part of my journey, and their dedication has pushed me along the way. I really hope we stay friends and keep in contact over the years

Now im crying. I’m such a passionate person!! I leave you tonight with some pictures of last night. The night went nicely and I had an absolute blast…… while sober!!! I am so happy I woke up today sober and alive.

 

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Created on 2017-04-13 03:39:04

April 8, 2017

Another day in the life of Bonnie. Today I had lots of time to think as I drove to Vancouver for my tattoo appointment. I reminisced about family and the many friends I’ve had in my lifetime. I remembered all the poor decisions I made growing up, and all the people I’ve met and lost along the way. It warms my heart to have much support from friends I have not been particularly close to in the last decade. Of course naturally I recall the 8 years I disappeared to keep a very controlling man pleased, and the friendships that will never be the same because of my choices. I remembered a time when I had it all together and was ready to start a rewarding life, but then put that on hold as I met some fun people that dragged me into a downward spiral. A period of time when I simply gave up being happy. Then amost 6 months ago as I was getting sober I realized how far I let myself go. A weight that held me back and made me disgusted with myself.

Joining this challenge literally saved my life. I’m coming to terms that come Tuesday evening I may not make the top 5, and if I do not I MUST keep going. I’ve fallen into old routines so easily!! I’ve indulged in pop, chips, take out, and cheesecake over the last 3 days. I feel run down and gross, yet I choose to keep filling my face. It’s a cycle of feeling down, filling face, feeling guilty, get back up. The main thing is I am getting back up, but when will it click? When will I choose better?

I face shit in my life almost on a daily basis. People are dying, becoming ill, getting hurt, feeling down, needing help……… It honestly never stops. As I sit here I’m getting it!! I give too much of myself. I let other people’s opinions of me get me down. Instead of pleasing people I need to please myself. Stay away from social media, and focus on my family’s opinions instead. Im addicted to food and I need to teach myself to eat better so I feel better. It sounds easy, but if it were I wouldn’t be overweight and constantly thinking of food.

I sit here tonight feeling like a failure because I neglected the gym and my weight/inch percentages aren’t that great, and I don’t want to give up. So I must keep going. Tomorrow I will write out a schedule and get back on my Herbalife shakes for a win week. If my arm isn’t still on fire I will go to the gym.

 

Yes it hurt….. A LOT’!!! Lol, but it is worth it

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Created on 2017-04-09 04:21:51

April 7, 2017

Its been a couple of days and not easy days. I ate Taco Time Wednesday and let me tell you NEVER AGAIN!! I felt so sick for the rest of the day. Groggy, upset stomach, and just run down!! So lesson learnt is fast food is not good food so stay away.

Wednesday night my husband and I got a phone call from a family member. He was drunk so naturally we did not want to talk, and because of that his gf and he attacked us for hours. I relived my relationship with my ex in an hour. Being told I’m fat, black, and much more broke me down. Ignorance is normal to me, but it shouldn’t be. I’m proud to be Cree, African, Métis, and Norwegian. I may be fat, but I’m not as fat as I was when I started this challenge. Bringing up my past of partying hurt too. Yes I used to party entirely way too much, but today I am 173 days clean and sober. I believe I’m not a loser anymore.

Yesterday I ate subway and cheesecake, so I’m feeling I over indulged. Plus no gym visit, so today I make up for it. Gym, food, tanning. Tomorrow is my tattoo appointment and IM SO EXCITED!!! The fact I’m doing something for ME is amazing!!! Thank you Jenny and Trish for helping me get my life back.

Created on 2017-04-07 14:41:08

April 5, 2017

Talk about disappointed. I went into the meeting last night thinking I was down a couple pounds when in fact it was a loss of 1.2 lbs and a gain of a couple unwanted inches. What!!?? So naturally I pouted at the meeting lol.

We got reviews from the panel of judges as well regarding our fundraisers. Team rack pack came in at a little over $9,000. Holy shit!!!! We just set the bar for next years challengers.

So, with how amazing everyone has done I am preparing myself to not make top 5. My numbers aren’t as good as the others, and my voting has been mediocre. I need to set myself up for success if I don’t make it. I’m trying to be positive and mentally prepare myself for Tuesday.

Hurry up week!!!

Created on 2017-04-05 14:05:49

April 2, 2017

Today was lost very quickly. I took my daughter for lunch, and we acted like school girls. It was refreshing to act like a kid with no worries. I planned on having family day today, but I crashed on the couch refusing to wake up until 6pm!! I’m telling you I am emotionally drained! It has all caught up to me. Grief of two people, the mental health I deal with, my children, husband, fundraisers, teams all drained me of all I had. I don’t want to say I have nothing left in me because I do!! I made it this far why would I give up now?

Im just glad the apprentice segment is almost over. April 11th my fate will be told. I’m either in the top 5 or I continue on alone.

 

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Created on 2017-04-03 04:33:44

April 1, 2017

Wow! I survived 6 fundraisers in two weeks!!! I managed checking out 5 and being part of one, and boy am I exhausted!!!

So, let’s talk about the fundraiser that I participated in. I wasn’t gung ho on doing a burger and brew event so early in my recovery, but consensus was leaning that way and honestly you cannot go wrong with them. Their usually planned with more time than we had but I have been to a few very successful ones. Our team worked very hard on pulling the night off, and I’m confident we were very successful. I’m waiting patiently to find out the total!!!! I got to see some of my good friends from my Langley days and many of my new friends. I felt very loved by them and supported like never before. My girl was so proud of who I am today, and let me tell you that made me happy!!! I don’t like the old me!! I LOVE THE NEW ME!! 

I do want to point out last night was HARD for me. It is hard to explain!! I had zero desire to drink, but I did not know how to act, so what do you do? Fake it until you make it. It makes me emotional, it brings up memories (good and bad), it makes you feel! That memory of those places and drinking and doing dope. I’m still drained from it. Like I’m done. Nothing left in me. Yet!!! I want to feel better!! Get into that top 5 where I can achieve my greatness. I feel I have just a bit more work to do.

I get tomorrow to RELAX!! 

Thank you to all the challengers in Abbotsford and Langley!! All the events were fabulous, and each one pushed me to get out of my hole. We are all winners in my eyes.

 

This really resonated with me today.

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Created on 2017-04-02 06:27:44

March 30, 2017

Finally I am lying in bed after a very long and productive day. I was not home much and I missed the peacefulness of my house. I am excited for our fundraiser tomorrow night, but am also very happy to be done with it.

So two pretty big things happened today. First, I went to Langley to see my buddy Chad at Key Largo Jewelry (amazing guy and store) and just popped in to bring him a vote now card since I was in the area. Well why not ask for a donation while I’m there right!? Exactly what I was thinking. Anyways he graciously donated a $400 ring for my gift basket at the little black dress. Thanks Chad for helping the troublemaker (aka me) out!! Solid friend.

Second big thing was voting opened!! So please put in your 10 votes per device. I would love the chance to meet more amazing people all while growing into the woman I have always wanted to be.

 

Created on 2017-03-31 06:04:52

March 29, 2017

Blogging before 9pm what is wrong with me? Lol!! I’m tired!!! So I’m trying to utilize my time in the best way. I just delivered everyone’s Nuefeld orders for my daughter camp fundraiser, and I have a little under an hour to kill before I pick up my daughter and niece from cadets. My team is working hard getting baskets together and I’m feeling a little down that I haven’t participated as much as the others. See, I’m home all day when my kids are at school, but my team is working. When they are home at night I am a busy mom of 3. I really have tried my best to be a good team player.

Im getting in the groove of going to the gym and starting to really enjoy it. Now I’m sure you know tomorrow is day 1 of voting, and boy am I nervous!! I’ve rounded up some pretty solid people to vote, but it’s the not knowing until April 11th that’s killing me. I’ve changed A TON over the last 10 weeks and I just don’t know if I’ve done enough. If I don’t make top 5 I will still continue my journey, and I would like to be a part of this challenge next year I’m just not sure what role I will play.

Ok I gotta pack lunches and prep for tomorrow. Check back tomorrow and please don’t forget to vote!!

Created on 2017-03-30 03:05:40

March 28, 2017

I should be sleeping but of course I can’t because my mind is spinning. I still have lots to do on top of being a wife and mother of three. Tomorrow will be another super busy day and Thursday voting starts, oh and don’t forget Friday!!!! Team Rack Pack fundraiser at Canadian Brewhouse where all money raised will benefit Shape Your World Society and Abbotsford Community Services. Yup looking like another busy week. This is good because this is real life, and when I start school I need to keep going with the gym and healthy eating.

Ok enough about my busy life!! I bet your wondering how weigh and measure night went right? Ok *insert drumroll here* this week my weight came in at -6.8lbs for a total of 16.8lbs and 17.75 inches!!!! I am seriously so happy!! Finally a big loss that gives me the push I need at just the right moment!! I broke out of the 230’s and right into the 220’s.

Tonight we got to go to Cleo in the mall and learn about our body shapes. We tried on their beautiful clothes and dress for our shapes. Learning from Karrie that I am an hourglass shape made me very happy. I always thought I was just a big blob with no shape and a large tummy. I have something to keep working at though. I am determined to work on my tummy and lose the spare tire.

Alright it’s almost midnight. Tomorrow will be a wonderful day.

Created on 2017-03-29 06:55:13

March 27, 2017

Im back!! Back and ready to finish this segment strong. I was on such a roll with blogging every night it became a late night routine, and as the shit hit the fan in life I had to cut back. I wasn’t ready to share anymore. Having anxiety and depression I can only explain it as needing to focus and get back to where I needed to be. I wasn’t feeling very good about myself, and wasn’t feeling much support.

So I did some self care. Nails, hair, celebrated my 36th birthday!! I had some great days, but there was some bad in there too. Some days I feel so alone, and others I feel the support from some darn amazing ladies in my life. I went to a few fundraisers from both Langley and Abbotsford challengers, and I haven’t been around alcohol until going to them. I had no urge to drink, but I felt very out of place and uncomfortable. It’s like being the new kid at a new school and your the shy awkward one.

I’m letting go of the past few weeks and putting my focus on making it through this week and team rack pack pub night this Friday at the Canadian Brewhouse. I will blog from this day forward and try to get throuhg the tough days by remembering why I’m doing this challenge.

I leave you tonight with pictures of the last two weeks including one from photograph day. The day I felt like a princess thanks to Fusion Hair, Arbonne, Beauty by B, and Photoart by Simpson.

Shout out to Fabutan, JJ nails, and Eleasha for helping me become so pretty on the outside.

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Created on 2017-03-28 03:14:45

March 15, 2017

Whst a fun day!! Talk about team building!! What happens when you put a group of fierce women in a group to put on a successful fundraiser? A group of women who would otherwise not have met if it wasn’t for the Total Makeover Challenge! Well I can only speak from my experience, so I’ll tell you. At first I was shy, unsure, feared rejection, and was full of anxiety. Then as we started meeting  up to hammer the details out I started to open up and get to know them. Some more than others, but enough to realize we’re all special in our own ways. That we all bring something to the table!!

Tonight we practiced for our surprise fundraiser. A little something on the side that we chose to keep to ourselves for strategic purposes. Now the cats out of the bag, and I can finally talk about it lol!! So team Rack Pack is using a section of the Abbotsford Old Spaghetti Factory for a side event to raise extra funds. Best part!!?? We are the hostess, busser, and waitresses. Now I have to take a second and express my gratitude to all servers!! Your job is HARD!!! I was hostess and bussed and set some tables, and I felt it was a workout! Fast paced work for sure. Anyways, I had a blast and I love the group I am in.

 

Team Rack Pack with Jenny & Trish

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Created on 2017-03-16 04:08:27

March 14, 2017

Ok time to reinforce the no scale rule!! I only went on the scale a handful of times last week and lost over 3lbs. This week I’ve been on it a handful of times per day for a loss of 1lb. Hmm obsessive and compulsive much!? No more!!! I really need to get out of my own head! Constantly worrying if I’m down, afraid no one likes me, unsure of myself. I do not like how this feels, and it is up to me to change.

So, what to do!? Well new hair next week! Birthday nails are due, and what better way to start on the right foot than a mother daughter pedicure date.

Tonights meeting was FUN!!! Mallory gave us a great talk and I know I’ve been doing health suicide by not tracking my food. Note to self!! I need to log my food in myfitnesspal or else I eat too much or  too little. Next Katrina gave Jenn a beautiful makeover with Arbonne products, and she will be doing our make up with another girl next week for our photo shoot. Being a model growing up I sure love professional pictures taken of me. Last guest tonight was Tetyana a beautiful and fun model. She taught us some catwalk tips. I really need to step it up a notch because being in the fashion show means the world to me. I wanted to be a model once, so this is my next best thing.

Well I should get some shut eye. Tomorrow we have another team building meeting and I want to be at my best. Check back tomorrow!!

Created on 2017-03-15 06:40:43

Edited on 2017-03-15 06:42:24

March 13, 2017

I did it!! I stepped on the darn scale!! It hasn’t moved since last week!! I’m hoping it’s just my stupid scale and the time of weight lol. Tomorrow is weigh in night already! This week FLEW by. Yes I’ve worked out more than usual but I’ve been really tired and not feeling great from the pain. My jaw simply hasn’t been the same and the constant throbbing is annoying. I’m hopeful it goes away soon. Being around my team tonight though raised my spirits. What an awesome bunch of women I get to work with. Here’s to the scale going down tomorrow night, so stay tuned.

 

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Created on 2017-03-14 05:55:35

March 12, 2017

If I have any fans out there following my blog “thank you!!” I always wonder if many people read my blogs, as I do blog religiously every night lol. It’s the one thing I have been good at sticking to during this challenge. The gym has gotten easier though and becoming a routine, however today was rest day!! One day where I was a mom and a wife not a challenger. My water is also terrible!! 35 years of never drinking water means it’s hard to reprogram myself to drink it. Yes I have post its everywhere but I’m ignoring them. Setting alarms in my phone for every hour!!

Today I strangely wanted to go to the park, so off we went as a family. I walked around the park twice and ran part of it. Smoking cigarettes has been weighing heavily on my mind lately and I think I am going to quit soon. Working out would be easier I bet and my health should be my priority.

 

 

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Created on 2017-03-13 05:31:45

Edited on 2017-03-13 05:34:17

March 11, 2017

Today was a productive Saturday. I went to yoga with my daughter and the gym after. Our team got together tonight to finish planning our fundraiser. I’ll be completely honest, I wasn’t sure how I fit in the group. I haven’t gotten close to anyone too much in this challenge and now I’m in a group so it’s time to break out of my shell. I had so much fun!! I haven’t laughed that much in awhile. I’m so glad I was just myself and made some new friends. I really need to stop thinking the worst!! I can’t wait for our event night either! So many surprises, so pop on down to Canadian Brewhouse March 31st for a fun filled night with so many awesome prizes to be won.

 

 

Created on 2017-03-12 07:20:27

March 10, 2017

I feel  smaller, stronger, happier, yet this week I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I’ve avoided mirrors for a good year now since gaining the dreaded 60. Why can’t I see the change in me yet? I notice my calves are smaller lol…. Yet my friends see it in my face and other places. Two gym visits and yoga today got me pumped. I really want to win a spot in the top 5 and I know in order to get there I need to work HARD!!! 

 

Created on 2017-03-11 05:46:29

March 9, 2017

Ok I think I may have gotten a little ahead of myself!! My body told me to not do double gym today. My muscles are sore and I’ve been stepping it up at the gym. I am now doing rolling hills on the elliptical and hitting 150 strides per minute for a little over a minute then back to my average of 122 or 136 spm. I’m still a bit sick and congested but I’m getting better slowly. I may slack with my food still but I’m very proud of my dedication to the gym.

I am very much looking forward to spring break. My daughter keeps bugging me to go to Yoga with her, and I can focus on my diet and workouts. Btw, when I say diet I don’t mean eating unrealistically. I have done so many diets. I want to learn how to eat sinfully in moderation. I do not want to cut anything out but cut down. I’m aware of all my food groups now and enjoy shopping every 2-3 days for fresh fruits and vegetable. I prep it all before it goes in the fridge and bam healthy meals and snacks.

 

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Created on 2017-03-10 06:21:21

March 8, 2017

Hi!! Still in pain over here, but guess what!?? I’m grateful I can feel!! I’m amazed I went to the gym twice today *shoutout to Shannon Waters for the double workout today with me* and I feel more determination to succeed in this challenge. I have many obstacles to overcome in a short time, so the organizer in me is organizing my goals and working on the attainable ones now.

At  the real me seminar we were told to write down our goals and to touch them. Run your fingers on the words. Believe in it. So I did that finally and feel confident I’ll be more aware of my water intake because it will always be on my mind now (excuse me while I take a sip of water).

I’m just so happy!! Looking at life with a positive outlook and a kick ass attitude sure beats being miserable all the time. Check back tomorrow!! I’ve only missed one day of blogging I believe, so I say keep up the streak.

Created on 2017-03-09 07:00:05

March 7, 2017

Where to start!!?? Thank you to every sponsor involved with the Total Makeover Challenge. I have met some pretty amazing people, and thanks to these people I’ve gained a new lease on life. I may not be where I want to be but I am well on my way.

I started today off like usual and then met up with one of the sponsors, Kristen Olynick for my brain profile. What a great morning. We laughed and had such a great discussion. So what is a brain profile? I suggest you check out her page at www.discoveryourbrilliance.ca. I learnt a lot about how I approach life and what types of career I would actually love. Having these tools will help me as I choose what to take at UFV next January.

I had two sick kids at home today, and I just crashed. I’m not sure if I’m getting sick AGAIN or if it’s the pain from my mouth. My tooth area is a bit sore but my jaw is terribly sore. My jaw clicks and hurts during appointments courtesy of an abusive ex. I am reminded daily by pain and scars of that relationship and of how darn strong I really am!!

Tonights weigh in meeting was good. Our guest speaker Monique helped us understand that we have gifts and using these gifts we have can make us fulfilled in life  Some of these gifts are things like hospitality, encouragement, and service. There are 24 in total. If your interested check her out at www.feelonpurpose.com

Ok so I did mention tonight was weigh in, and I don’t do suspense often lol…… Insert drumroll……. I am down 3.8 lbs this week!! My best week to date!! Finally. The prednisone is out of my system, I’m not as sick anymore (I am always sick), and I’m enjoying the gym.

Well it is past 11 and I’m exhausted. Good night!!

 

Created on 2017-03-08 07:13:31

Edited on 2017-03-08 07:15:05

March 6, 2017

Starting the week off strong. Gym and tanning done today, and the dreaded finish to my root canal. Oh wait!! They couldn’t finish my root canal!! Too much calcification so booking with the specialist asap. Water could’ve been better, but I have cut my coffee intake by half today. Oh, and sleeping in until 7am was FANTASTIC!! 

So I’m sure anyone reading this knows by now that fundraisers are being put on by all the remaining challengers and wild card contenders. This has been a very hard challenge for me. I’m talking about how high my anxiety is, how I talk myself out of things, and how my confidence is still not where it needs to be. I’m doing my hardest to get donations for our pub night but the thought of actually going into a place and asking for something scares the crap out of me! I get anxiety calling and ordering pizza! I used to order online and hide when the guy knocked on the door. This is something that holds me back in life.

Communication is something I desire in every relationship in my life but something I totally suck at. Growing up and wanting something I would write notes on the kitchen island for my grandma and she would reply on the bottom of my note for the morning, so this is where my communication skills began to dwindle. I am aware of this and that is a big step. I made a vow to myself I would at least try to get donations by checking out some local places I frequent. It’s a start, and in the meantime I have come up with some interesting ideas to earn some extra money to put towards our team fundraising. No matter my abilities I will give 100% in this challenge.

 

Ordered these for more exposure.

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Created on 2017-03-07 06:09:20

March 5, 2017

Where is the weekend!!?? It flew by way too fast!! Next week I’m looking forward to kicking it up a notch. I am no longer babysitting the two children I was, and this will free up much of my time. I am stoked to sleep in until 7am!!! I know I said I would go to the gym earlier, but I need to get rid of the dark circles under my eyes. 6 hours sleep is not enough for me.

My goals this week are as follows.

1. Gym daily and Yoga minimum of 3 times with my daughter.

2. To be aware of my water intake. I’m not worried about hitting my ounces I’m worried about teaching myself to drink it. I am setting alarms for morning, noon, midday, and night.

3. Write down what I’m eating. Myfitnesspal isn’t working for me. Let’s see if I can get my 3 meals in each day.

I have these goals written where I’ll see them every morning  here’s to success.

 

Thank you Parallel Yoga!! My daughter loved it, and is already asking when we go next

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Created on 2017-03-06 05:25:22

March 4, 2017

What a long day. Kudos to the ladies in this challenge killing it with full time jobs. I am exhausted!! Here are 3 positive points to my day.

My oldest son got his first job doing our neighbourhood paper route.

Took my youngest son to a birthday party and found he’s into martial arts. Looks like I’ll be signing him up soon.

Spent the evening finally seeing the new batman Lego movie  Not my favourite, but the sparkle of happiness in Williams eyes made it wonderful.

January 22 and March 4                     Thank you Fabutan!!!

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Created on 2017-03-05 07:45:50

Edited on 2017-03-05 07:47:43

March 3, 2017

Sticking to my positive approach to life. Tonight I share 3 of my favourite memories of the day.

1. I went to the gym before 7am!! I have done this only once before in my entire life. So this not so morning person is darn proud today. I am going to try getting into an early morning routine and hope I get more done in my day and more than my usual 5-6 hours of sleep a night.

2. I went for a long overdue lunch with a good friend of mine. We totally took our time and gabbed for two hours. My lesson from this is life is too short to procrastinate on friendships that enrich your life.

3. Closing tonight with my daughter Lucille. This girl is crazier than her mom!! You couldn’t pay me large sums of money to even try!! She is one brave girl.

 

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Created on 2017-03-04 08:01:44

March 2, 2017

I blog every night to keep me on track throughout this challenge. Today I mentally shut down. I’m just so tired! I’m also discouraged a bit. All these fabulous ladies have great networks and so much support in their life. Don’t get me wrong I have fantastic friends who support the crap out of me, but I don’t have a career with involvement around a lot of people. My network is not huge. I have worked up the courage to contact some of my grandmas old contacts, but all I can do is wait. I also have my daughters fundraising for bible camp. Needless to say I did not go to the gym today, but I did spend much needed time with my family.

Tomorrow is a really big day and I have lots going on, so bed is in order.

Created on 2017-03-03 06:22:55

March 1, 2017

I am ready for bed. I am a night person, can’t stand mornings, but wake up early. Today I went to yoga and the gym so I am exhausted.

Celebrated my daughters birthday tonight with my husband, kids, and some important friends that have become family. I gave in tonight and ate bread and cake. Was it worth it?? Heck no!! I feel gross!! I dropped everyone off at home and went straight to the gym. Yuck!! I felt like I weighed an extra 10 pounds. Tip to self “don’t eat the bread and cake.”

Tomorrow is a new day. A day where I intend to meet my goals that I wrote down tonight. A day where I put my best foot forward and hold my head up high. Another day of positivity.

 

 

Created on 2017-03-02 06:32:28

February 28, 2017

 

I am ending my night full of happy thoughts I am so grateful to be in the second part of this challenge, and although I am competing against some fierce woman, I am ready to embrace everything that is coming my way. I’m standing taller, feeling prettier, and thinking happier

Being Tuesday its weigh night. I was darn thirsty and downed a bottle of water before getting to the meeting. I got there and couldn’t pee for the life of me!!! I laughed it off and am proudly down 0.8 pounds, and then peed 5 times over the next 3 hours!!

Another fun thing I’m looking forward to is our next challenge. We are  in groups and will be planning our own fundraiser events. The Apprentice challenge will definitely push me out of my comfort zone, and I’m ready for it

I intended coming home to have a piece of cake from my daughters birthday. Proud to say I passed!!! No need for it, no craving, nothing!! What!? You mean you don’t crave crappy food when you don’t eat it? That’s correct. It was habit and the idea of the cake. I much prefer the idea of not feeling guilty or having an upset stomach in the morning.

Lucille & Jack

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Created on 2017-03-01 07:23:22

February 27, 2017

 

Tomorrow I am officially the mother to two teenagers!!! Where has the time gone? I still remember having two babies in diapers as if it was yesterday. Life was so carefree back then. I wasn’t partying as I did when I was a teenager. I had a very carefree spirit, and loved to travel. At 21 I was travelling with the carnival making excellent money working gambling. My grandma set me up with a big Ford duelly and a large 5th wheel trailer. I had such ideas and plans. I had Jack then Lucille and left the carnival for good at 23. So much has happened between then and now and I would like to be more carefree like before. Stop sweating the small stuff. 

I’m purchasing my daughter a month membership at Parallel Yoga for her birthday so we can do something together. I hope in doing this our relationship will grow. I feel her pushing away as she grows up. It’s funny to see and remember how I was at that age. Did you know asking a teen how their day went is torture!! “Mom, why do you ask so many questions?” Lol because I’m interested in your life!!!

Well off to bed. Waking  the birthday girl up bright and early.

 

 

 

Created on 2017-02-28 05:36:20

February 26, 2017

 

Exhausted!!! That is the best way to describe how I feel right now. I slept in until 10:45!!! Say what!!?? William, my youngest son said to me as I rolled out of my room “I was super quiet mom, so you could get a good sleep.” He must have known how badly I needed that.

 

My girlfriend Kristina,  who I cherish for her bluntness and honesty, invited me to check out the gym she goes to. She kicked my butt!!!! I am so sore lol. I learnt some new techniques and feel somewhat more confident going into the gym and using different equipment.

 

To end my day perfectly I went to restorative yoga at Parallel Yoga. I’m going to try going to more Yoga classes. As one of our sponsors of the challenge we got unlimited yoga classes which I super appreciate. I normally wouldn’t go to yoga, but I can’t turn down this opportunity, and restorative is a fantastic way to wind down from a busy day. Thank you!! Now I am ready for another good nights sleep.

 

Night all!!

Created on 2017-02-27 05:18:38

February 25, 2017

 

Who made the top 15?? I made the top 15!! I am so happy, amazed, relieved, and appreciative today. Thank you to each and every sponsor that participated in the amazing race. I had such a fun day!!! I wasn’t exactly expecting to make top 15, but when I did I was taken over with the feeling of accomplishment. I’m proud of myself, and that’s an amazing feeling.

 

I took some time to contemplate on how to make my life better, and have come up with the following ways to do this.

 

Instead of harping on the past I let it go today. It’s been a raw experience, but I only started really dealing with it a few months ago so I expected to be an emotional mess. I may still have my days and that’s okay. I am going to focus on being positive more, and remember the good from my past.

 

I am going to look into finding my biological father to get answers.

 

I am going to stop being a people pleaser. Some people may not like me and it is not my duty to make anyone like me. No more renting space in my head.

 

It’s funny I knew this all before, but with all the loss and emotions I’ve had I was in a fog and today it just lifted. I look forward to the next segment of the challenge with the top 15 and hope to forge some relationships with the ladies more. I intend to love the gym everyday, and continue to do what I’ve been doing but at 110%!!

Here’s some of my favourite shots of the day. Dawn at Fabutan is so fabulous!! The team at She’s Fit looked like they were part of me team. Shout of to my daughter Lucille, cousin Michelke, and nephew Lucas for being such a rockin team today!!!

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Created on 2017-02-26 03:35:03

February 24, 2017

 

As I sit here tonight I think how fast this segment flew by, but then I think back at all that has happened and it seems like forever ago. My brother has been gone a month, and all I can think about is how precious life is and how fast it flies by. I really need to slow down and enjoy the moments.

 

Tomorrow is the big day!! The Amazing Race and revealing the Top 15. I’m very anxious right now. I’ve mapped out what I can for tomorrow and feel confident my team will get it all done in time. Two of my team members fell ill and I had to completely change our team costume and name. I also lost a team that I had recruited weeks ago. I tried offering other members and my van, but they declined. It’s not a big deal, yet I’m crushed.

 

I’ve been darn emotional this month. If I make top 15 tomorrow I will be competing with all I’ve got. The days have gotten manageable and I feel I’m ready to be more consistent. If I do not make the Top 15 I will be sad of course, but I will fight 110% for the wildcard spot in the third segment.

 

Stay tuned tomorrow for a post race blog post.

 

The organizer in me getting ready for tomorrow.

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Created on 2017-02-25 07:24:04

February 23, 2017

 

Two major things happened today.

 

I hit one hour straight on the elliptical. I am so flipping proud of myself!! I usually stop after 30 minutes, but today I kept saying “just another ten minutes”. This was a goal I set last week in a group challenge I’m in with friends, and I hit it 5 days early. Now that I know I can do it I will be hitting an hour every other day no matter what! I will do weights in between. I’m starting to enjoy going to the gym, but I need to get it done by noon or I will find an excuse not to go at all.

 

Secondly, I did not proceed with doing my fb live post I said I would. I get so overwhelmed with anxiety that I scare myself and ignore my promise. I care what people think about me even though I shouldn’t. Tonight’s topic was supposed to be about self esteem. It’s looking like this is a topic I need work on myself. I plan on going live tomorrow to talk about esteem and anxiety. Maybe if I explain what I go through it will help someone else. I guarantee most people don’t spill their life story like I do, but I’ve suppressed so much for 35 years that I think it’s time to let it out and learn from it and help others from it. I want my life to have purpose, and what better way to have purpose than to help others.

 

Created on 2017-02-24 06:21:26

February 22, 2017

 

I missed my nightly blog last night because I promised my husband I would watch the new movie Hacksaw Ridge after the weigh in meeting. I got home at 10, and by the time I watched the movie and made lunches it was after 1am. I must say first off that the movie was fantastic!!! Not my usual type of movie, but I was surprised and kept interested the entire movie. I will be adding this one to my collection.

 

So to catch everyone up on my weight and inches lost…….. My total is 8 lbs and 12.75 inches. Not entirely huge amounts, but I feel better! I can kick it up at the gym, and I’m not as tired after. Energy is the gift of exercise.

 

So I did look at the voting yesterday, but not nearly as much. I didn’t do as well as I thought I did, and I was feeling pretty bummed about it. I hope the work I put in is enough to get through to the second segment. I know I could’ve done better, but life happened and it got tough for me. I ate too many bad meals because emotionally I feel better after eating what I crave. I know I will feel better if I eat healthier, so I’ve changed how I shop. I do weekly meal planning, and buy just what I need for the week. So far, so good.

 

If anyone reading this has teenage daughters please come save me!!! The end of the world was today!!!  Dinner was going to be 20-30 more minutes, so instead of being ok with that my almost 13 year old said she’ll starve then and die of starvation!!! HAHAHAHA was I seriously that dramatic all those years ago!!? Like wow Lucille I said, it’ll be ready soon, and before I knew it the door was slammed on my face to the basement and into her room she went. Everything is so dramatic lately. Her punishment to not getting to eat a “pre-dinner” is a strike of her chores. So be it, saves me the money and I’ll do a better job. I hope she isn’t miserable forever, and realizes I’m her biggest fan. It upsets me to see her so upset.

 

I also want to thank everyone who has been voting for me, and reading my blog!

 

Created on 2017-02-23 04:02:36

February 20, 2017

 

I am so exhausted, yet can never go to sleep at a reasonable time. I got a partial root canal yesterday and although the throbbing pain has subsided I am still in a huge amount of pain. I can’t touch my teeth together without it making me wince. If it’s not one thing it’s another lol Even in a lot of pain I woke up expecting the day to go well. Positive thinking right!? Yes!

 

I nurtured friendships today by going for lunch with my good friend of 25 years. I ran a bunch of errands, and of course checked my voting placement about a hundred times!!! This voting causes me extreme stress. With less than two days of voting I am going to try very hard to not look tomorrow. I am also worried about my weight loss. I made bad choices today, and haven’t nearly eaten enough because of the pain.

 

I expect tomorrow to be emotional for me as well. I pick up my brothers urns in the morning, and the amount of grief I am feeling is overwhelming. I find I’m losing steam on some days to get my butt to the gym. Many of the challengers have gotten close and work out together. Me, I go alone, and I’m my own worst enemy. I talk myself out of going which is simply how I have always dealt with life. I get anxiety and I get worked up about going out, so I talk myself out of it. This will change though because I have a great family that pushes me to reach my goals.

 

I came home tonight to another note on my mirror from my husband that says “positive thoughts” and his first was “you can do this babe, I love you”. Yes!! Thanks babe!! Breathe my way out of the negativity and allow positive thoughts to come through, and I CAN DO THIS!! Power of positivity.

 

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Created on 2017-02-21 06:25:22

February 19, 2017

 

I am still feeling pretty emotional right now, but as good things happen I begin to see the brightness of my future. So, let’s discuss the real me seminar. We did an exercise in groups of 5 and long story short were on a sinking ship and only 2 can live. We have to plead our case to live, explain why we chose who to live and who to die, I had to explain how I felt with their decisions, and how I felt with mine. This was extremely hard, as a people pleaser I felt like a horrible person for choosing and even worse for explaining  why I chose two over the other.

 

The part that made me uncomfortable was being on the spot. I was picked by all 4 to live. I poured my heart out to these fabulous women and told them I was a sexual abuse survivor and I have taken full responsibility to heal from it finally. I told them how my kids need their mom! Yes I am married and he has been incredible since we chose to live life in recovery, but I believe children need a bio parent in their lives. I have a sense of not belonging due to limited biological family. My teenage children’s father disappeared a couple of years ago even though I chose not to fight and gave him 50% guardianship/custody, and my youngest son needs his mom end of story. I think these ladies deserve life more than me because I wasted my life. I wallowed in my poor me attitude and didn’t amount to being anyone. I’m known as the life of the party and a pretty cool chick, but I’m a has been I feel like. However!!!! I have chosen to live!!! I joined NA and have been living a life worth living since October 16, 2016, and I have purpose. I do not strive to be famous anymore, but I do want to help people.

 

So I was chosen, and have to and want to now live my life 110% for these incredible women who chose me to live. I want to help children heal from abuse at a young age so that they learn to cope with life. That it is not their fault, and that they can get through it without going down a road that is going to cause more pain. I want to help women leave abusive men. I was with abusive men because that was “normal” to me, and I lived my life thinking I was worthless. Well thanks to this challenge I know that EVERY life is worth living. I believe EVERYONE deserves a second chance too. I believe stopping the cycle is key, and by me changing when I did gives my children a better chance at not repeating our family cycle again.

 

I leave you with my mission statement and the incredible ladies in my group.

 

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Created on 2017-02-20 06:34:13

February 18, 2017

 

I am exhausted!! Such a great seminar, but I am emotionally drained. I will fill everyone in tomorrow. Night.

Created on 2017-02-19 07:38:54

February 17, 2017

 

Wow what an eventful day. It seems my life is destined to be stressful at all times. Thank god I can handle so much stress. I wish this wasn’t so, but I need to do what I need to do to give my children a good life. It is never easy when parents split and cant get along. I will always put my children’s best interests first though. I’ve made enough mistakes to learn from them, and I am a great mom.

 

Tonight was the second part of the real me. Sheesh this was not easy!! I learned I am not ready to completely forgive everyone I need to, but think as I work the steps in recovery I can and will get there. I have a ton of regret and need to forgive myself first and foremost. I also learned that I seem to live to cook and feed people, but this doesn’t fancy me as a career. I want to help people, and encourage people to strive for better. I want to help ladies leave abusive relationships. I want to help sexual abuse survivors in getting the tools to continue with a meaningful life. Maybe I can feed people and help them!! This encourages me to keep going and digging deeper. I’m pretty sure I have a big purpose in life, and don’t I deserve it? I’ve been a human doormat for my whole life and that stops now!!

 

In closing tonight, we had to write our eulogy. I cried and I let it out. I wrote a beautiful eulogy that my oldest son Jack would read. I couldn’t keep it together. The visual was intense!! My Jack stood up so tall and spoke so perfectly a week ago at my brothers funeral. I have NEVER been more prouder than last week. He did his uncle proud and looked so mature. He made the family decision to have an open casket. At 14 I see a bright young man with such a big future ahead of him. So as I’m writing my eulogy I see me in that casket not my brother. I’m still having a hard time with this. So much pain in my life and I just want to release it all and be pain free.

 

I look forward to tomorrow. Check back tomorrow night to read all about it.

 

 

 

Created on 2017-02-18 07:20:52

February 16, 2017

 

Went to life labs at 7am and got my blood work done!! Ive had the requisition for diabetes testing for about a month (about time hey!!). I went to a meeting tonight and finally got my sponsor too. Yay!! Someone to help me and support me in my recovery. I’ve known her a long time, and am super happy she accepted.

 

I’m struggling with an empty heart the last week. Someone extremely close to me has stopped talking to me. I know why, and in my opinion it’s trivial shit and shouldn’t be an issue. My children’s feelings and opinions will always be honoured by me. I’m not sure if she has disowned me or is simply mad and will get over it. It’s been 7 days and nothing. This is someone I talk to EVERYDAY. Someone I can cry to, complain to, seek approval from. This person practically raised me! Ten years older than me I remember being so envious of her and her friends. I grew up fast being 5 and hanging around teenagers frequently. I miss my 143 texts, and being told to go wash my face when the crying won’t stop.

 

This has me thinking about family. My family is made up of non biological people except my mom and children. I have felt pretty disposable in the family area of my life. This has got me wanting to find my family, and actually put effort into it. Where’s my biological father? I wonder if he wants to meet me again, as it’s been 24 years since my first encounter with him. My mom is Cree from Alberta she must have lots of family lol that would mean I do too.

 

Well that’s my thoughts for tonight.

 

Please don’t forget to vote for me to stay in the top 15.

 

Created on 2017-02-17 07:45:04

February 15, 2017

 

Tonight was the start of the real me seminar. I have done this before, but not with a clear head. I was drinking lots and doing drugs, and I’m not proud of that but it is the truth. I need to stop hiding who I am or my past because of other people’s opinions. #1 thing I got out of tonight is not to seek others opinions but to follow my heart. So here I am following my heart.

 

Tonight was hard for me because we needed to bring a picture as a baby. Well guess what I have none. No photo albums, no one holding me smiling in a picture, not a darn one. Was I not important enough to photograph? Deep breaths it’s just a picture, and I quickly regained my composure. This next part is what I struggle with. I’ve shared some of my past, but have never been open and honest about it. Tonight changed that when we began to think about our childhoods.

 

I’ve always been open about being a survivor of many forms of abuse and neglect, but have never told anyone the extent, and if I hope to move past this and help others I need to hold my head up and not be afraid. I was molested most of my childhood up until I was about 11. I was teased at school, and deep down felt like I was dead. I cried a lot which got me teased more! If only someone knew I just wanted to be loved like all the other kids. I didn’t know what was normal or not. Heck I didn’t know what sexual abuse meant until I asked my mom because Oprah had a topic on it. Ah ah moment!!!! I ran to my room and I wrote in my diary all about it!! The abuse stopped, but my mom had addiction problems and seemed to not like me very much. For some reason my mom has made my trauma all about her! Bonnie was “sexually molested” she would tell everyone who would listen.

 

So on one hand I had this amazing grandma and lavish life, but at what cost?

 

I wanted to be famous!! I was in dance, drama, choir, I played the saxophone, and deep down inside I just wanted to be noticed! Popular! Loved, but not in the wrong way. This is what turned me to drugs and booze. I escaped. Followed by men who beat me up and put me down. I believed I deserved it. 8 years I spent with a man who said I was ugly, fat, and worthless, who beat me so badly at times I was unrecognizable. I gave my kids up for that man for two years! If I could only go back in time to shake me and say wake up!! Your worth it!!

 

To this day I find it hard to hug my kids, as I wasn’t hugged much. I feel guilty for that and have been working on it. I’ve been clean and sober over 4 months willingly, and I am very serious about going into a career where I can help people who have lived through trauma.

 

So after I left the seminar tonight I wanted a burger. You know a cheeseburger has never hurt me right? Well maybe one hasn’t, but me being an addict I don’t know moderation. I eat until I can’t eat anymore. I dip my food until it’s drenched trying to fill myself. What is it I’m trying to fill!!!? I don’t have it all figured out yet, but it’s starting to make sense.

 

Btw, I didn’t get a burger.

 

 

 

I’m beautifully broken

As resilient as can be

Survivor they say

You just wait and see

 

I had such high hopes

To be such a star

Swallowed by pain

I gave up on life

 

After tough times

And wrong decisions

I shocked everyone

By getting clean and sober

 

Today I pledge

To myself, family, and friends

To stop seeking approval

And to reach my potential

 

 

 

Created on 2017-02-16 06:50:53

Edited on 2017-02-16 06:53:14

February 14, 2017

 

Happy Valentines Day!!!

 

Tonight I have a lot going on in my head. As I sort through all my emotions I’m left feeling empty. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep, being sick, having no appetite, or all! I did some more sponsor searching and feel good with the effort I’ve put forward. I’m back at the gym daily pushing through the chest pain and coughing. Did I mention I smoke? I was told many years ago by my doctor that if I don’t quit I will be on a oxygen tank. Asthma growing up, and always sick with chest infections. At what point did I not care about my health? I guess at 14 when I picked up the habit of smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. No one ever stopped me, and I’ve never gone a day without cigarettes since (except the few times I quit). I could go on and on about this topic, and I’m not proud of myself for smoking. Quitting is my big goal!!

 

Now for some happy!!! I got my makeover done today by Tiffany at the South Fraser Shoppers Drug Mart. I’ve bought makeup from her before, and quite enjoyed our morning together. I left feeling beautiful with new products in tow. I went to the gym for day 2 of my gym streak, and feel confident that I’ll be doing an hour on the elliptical in no time.

 

If you’ve been following since the beginning you would know tonight was weigh and measure. I am down a total of 6lbs and 12.25 inches. I’ll take it!!!

 

 

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Created on 2017-02-15 06:15:58

February 13, 2017

 

Long fulfilling wonderful day (aside still being sick and having tooth pain). Kendra picked me up for Yoga as planned. We tried Hatha at Parallel Yoga, and it was a great beginner class, but it was very difficult for me. Anytime I had to bend down so my head was below my heart my jaw would throb immensely, however, I just sat peacefully until I could join back in. Near the end it’s so relaxing!! So darn relaxing I started to snore!!! Hahahaha I was fully aware might I add, and was simply relaxed to my fullest. Kendra, however, could not stop giggling!! So, of course, I giggle too. I love the simple moments in life.

 

After yoga, I got house work done and went for my tattoo appointment. Nothing big, but so perfect. My tattoo is a memorial for my brother Eddie. I must explain a little more about Eddie and why he’s so important to not only me but everyone who has crossed his path. Eddie had 39 disabilities, and Lennox Gastaut Syndrome was what made life so incredibly hard. Eddie didn’t speak much, but did say ball, happy, copter, few others, and his favourite word meow….. He spoke the first language. Love, touch, eye contact, smiles, etc. It’s so profound what someone can do with such disabilities. Eddie made you happy inside, and made you want to be something special. He showed me love like no other!! I will never forget his smiles or his love for me.

 

After my tattoo appointment I waited an hour and headed to the gym. I pushed myself and completed 40 minutes on the elliptical. I wanted to keep going but my feet go numb after 30 minutes. I don’t know why my feet go dumb, but I hope it isn’t diabetes. Remember I’m a procrastinator right? Well I’ve had the requisition for almost a month. So, I just told my husband now to make me go, and he will!!

 

Finally, after dinner my husband and I went to the movies with my sister Jen and her boyfriend Kyle (also my husbands name… I know a lot of Kyles). Seen John Wick 2, and it wasn’t nearly as good as the first.

 

My heart is full of love today. I feel accomplished, and I’m ready to see what tomorrow has to bring. Looking forward to my make up appointment at Shoppers tomorrow!! Night all.

Sorry, not the best picture

Eddie, in time, I will meet you there

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Created on 2017-02-14 07:01:59

February 12, 2017

 

Still sick over here, but surviving. I can’t stay off the scale, and it’s discouraging. I know the prednisone has a big part in it. As soon as I went back on it I gained 7 lbs!!! I didn’t go to the gym today because I’m still very short of breathe, but will be trying tomorrow and am booked in for Yoga tomorrow with a good friend.

 

Today I went to Church. This is something I do not do often. My daughter frequently goes to church with family friends, but I am just uncertain. I was not raised religious, but am interested. After church we went for lunch at friends who I consider family. It’s not often I can sit in a room for two plus hours and be intrigued the entire time. Lastly, I held an epicure party for my friends. I’ve donated my commission towards my pledges for the upcoming amazing race. It was a good turnout.

 

I’m really happy today, and I’m going to try and stop weighing myself everyday every time I go to the bathroom. Yes I’m disappointed I haven’t been in the gym, and that I’m up…. But that’s only part of my battle. Why I gain weight is the real battle. Why I eat horribly repeatedly and why I’m so stubborn to drinking water lol. I am getting water in, and I am aware of my shortcomings, so I’m certain things will go my way.

 

I feel next week is my comeback week. I am nowhere near finished, and am ready to step it up a notch!!

 

Created on 2017-02-13 06:04:28

February 11, 2017

 

Today I attended the most beautiful funeral ever. My big brother Eddie looked so peaceful lying there in his crisp Captain America shirt I bought him. Eddie loved shirts with a crest on them. Getting a clean shirt with a minion or something on it just made his day. I came to a peaceful place today as I became the better person regarding my mother. Although she has hurt me in ways too hard to explain she IS my mother. Without her I wouldn’t exist. She NEEDED me today, so I talked her through some breathing techniques I learnt from Yoga and med her down, and we walked behind my brother to our seats. My mom who did not show me much love growing up held me tight throughout the service. She leaned my head onto her shoulder when the tears seemed like they would not stop. Best part of my day was when she thanked me for putting this all together and giving her only son a beautiful tribute, and how darn proud of me she is.

 

I learned something today. Do not wait!!! Do not wait to watch life pass you by. Don’t put off doing things that you can do today! Do be more present! Say sorry AND MEAN IT. Let go of the past by talking about the past. I am going to try letting my mom know how I feel and I pray we can both have peace. I am going to start talking to my kids about the past and how sorry I am for being selfish. I am going to be present everyday.

 

Tomorrow is another gift, and although I’m on a lot of different medications that are keeping me up late, messing with my appetite, and fluctuating my weight I will do my best. I will go to the gym and pull double duty. Next week I will immerse myself back into this competition. No matter what the scale says I got this! I had a bad couple of weeks grieving, which I still am, but I can still pull strength from this. I have the biggest guardian angel at my side, and I’ve felt him with me. I am unstoppable. I am 118 days clean and sober and I’ve never felt so happy to be alive.

 

 

My boys and I……  Making my mom smile <3

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Created on 2017-02-12 05:39:22

Edited on 2017-02-12 05:40:57

February 10,2017

 

Today was not my proudest day. Although I got everything done I intended to do; I was one grumpy girl. My tooth is extremely sore, and my breathing isn’t great. I did get my antibiotics tonight finally!! Thanks to the sweet pharmacist who was on top of it all and ensured I had something by the end of the day!! Gotta love Shoppers!! And their one of our sponsors too.

 

My husband is currently arranging the house to fit a buffet line and however many people will be here after my brothers funeral. I can’t seem to sleep either, so I anticipate tomorrow will be a long day with many tears, laughs, love, and hugs.

 

As for the challenge I feel defeated in this moment. I can’t stop stepping on the scale, and it says I’m up 4lbs!! Like whatttt!!!???? I hope it’s just stress. I haven’t been going to the gym. I’m just not feeling well enough considering I almost went to emergency in the middle of the night. My inhalers simply weren’t cutting it, but being back on prednisone will help. I know I’ll get back into the swing of things. I have a lot of stuff on my plate, and planning a funeral took a toll emotionally. I just did this for my husbands brother in August.

 

One day at a time. I will go to bed and start a new day tomorrow, and tomorrow is all about my brother.

 

Created on 2017-02-11 08:11:11

February 9, 2017

I can describe myself best as very straightforward and a little overbearing. I’m a people pleaser and care what people think about me. I have a huge heart and tend to let people walk all over me. I love to cook and enjoy feeding people, but would not enjoy cooking for a living. I rule my roost at home, and like everything in its place. I’m simple, yet complicated. I have determination to succeed but have a shotty education at best. I rarely finish what I start.

 

Looking me in the face is who I am and what I don’t like about myself. I’ve made tremendous mistakes in life but really am a good person. I’ve never been so true before now, owning my  mistakes and jumping in feet first to better myself. I want to make a difference and help the human race in any possible way.

 

Tonight I ate poorly, and boy do I feel bloated. I’m never this full when I eat healthy. When I eat a well balanced meal I feel like I’m fuelling my body, but when I eat poorly I feel like I’m feeding an addiction. I double dip, order extra, add this, let me try one of those. I know it’s my one time to stuff my face because it tastes so good!! Hey, Bonnie… Addict over here. I have never had a good relationship with food. Food was always available and never denied, but the food I wanted!! Pizza, ice cream, chip and dips, and my grandmas; full flavour,  full butter, full fat leftovers. Don’t forget I’m a spoiled brat who gets what she wants. Not proud of it, but that was my life.

 

Now I’m owning my faults and I’m being open about who I am for the chance to heal and grow. I had such dreams as a child. These dreams ended by years of sexual and physical abuse. Followed by years of emotional abuse. I never fit in, and was teased throughout school. I was always picked on for crying, as I would cry over anything. I wish I let someone know then what was happening to me, but I never did until I was almost 13. I was a lost cause by then. A high school drop out at 14.  Couple abusive men, lots of drugs and alcohol to cope with my life, and worst of all losing my babies for awhile in my early twenties.

 

I’ll tell you something though. I stopped the cycle. I left the abusive men, I quit partying, I got my kids back, I got some of my accounting degree, I’m one course away from my grade 12. It’s taken time, and have slipped along the way. It’s my time now though. I have had my light bulb moment. I don’t want to be an accountant. Boring!!! My grandma was one of the most successful accountants in Vancouver (if not Canada) but I’m not her! I don’t have her upbringing. I am me! And I want to heal and help heal others! Motivational speaking has a nice ring to it. I really cannot wait to see what this year has to bring.

 

Thank you to the ladies that picked me to be a challenger this year. I am so honoured.

 

Sorry for such an emotional blog, but it’s been an emotional life. My hope is that after this I can move forward. I just released the chains that held me back.

 

 

Yimage

 

 

Created on 2017-02-10 07:14:15

February 8, 2017

Started my day off by getting big lash extensions by my friend Amanda (who is also one of my blog sponsor). I frickin LOVE THEM!!!

image

 

After my lashes I received a stressful call from my mother. I will not waste my time going into this, but I will say my mom has never been a mom to me. Her addictions and men always came first. She never hugged me and has so much jealousy for me it’s unbearable. She is grieving and so am I. We do not see eye to eye and I choose to let her go. I am done being hurt by her. The call did not end well, and I’m dreading my brothers funeral. Fingers crossed the drama stays minimal.

So, how did my doctors appointment go? Horrible!! Back on prednisone!! I  usually have no appetite on this. I hope I don’t get too out of whack!! I want to have no weight gain this segment. I also got antibiotics because I’m very wheezy and my inhalers are not working.

Back home by 330 to rest before my Dentist appointment…. How did that go?? Terrible!! I need another root canal which is covered by my plan, but the crown is not. I will now need two!! There’s my three bad things today

 

Let’s see if I can find three good things today.

 

1. My beautiful lashes

2. My gf Kristina helped me out today. Love you girl!!

3. My aunt donated to my pledges!! 143 xo

4. I had a fabulous chat with a girl from Ricki’s in Sevenoaks Mall (she’s friends with Amber another challenger)

5. I was informed by the tech guy for the challenge I wasn’t able to submit due to my emoji’s lol. I’m known for excessive emoji use. Thank you so much!!

 

Guess more good than bad happened!!

 

Created on 2017-02-09 02:10:47

Edited on 2017-02-09 14:50:45

February 7, 2017

So how much did I lose this week? 3.2!!!!  I am so happy with that number, yet I still feel the need to compare myself. What could I do different to lose more I think, but then I get home to my biggest fans and I realize everyone is different. I kicked butt to lose those pounds and I’m proud of myself. I guess I just didn’t see how happy everyone is from me taking control of my life.

After weigh in we went to Shoppers (another fabulous sponsor) and learned about applying make up. Then we went to Save On (yet another sponsor. We’re so lucky!!) and learned a lot about food. I learned some more tips. I will be trying new foods frequently and I know some certain foods I will never purchase again lol.

Now on another note. I hit up a drive thru on my way home. I ate a burger and two onion rings. Phew I admitted it to public!! I am far from perfect and far from getting a hold on my addiction. I know now from this that I need to work my steps for food too. I lie about it, I hide it, and I deny it. This will stop! So I will start over. Hi, I’m Bonnie and I’m an addict.

I don’t know what void I’m trying to fill and I really want to work on this. My sons birthday is on Thursday and now I’m worried about eating out. My weakness is eating out!! Obviously that’s how I got this big.

Tomorrow is another day, and I intend on making it count.

Created on 2017-02-09 02:04:33

February 6, 2017

I did not go to the gym. Actually I didn’t get much of anything done. I have a toothache and I’m struggling with planning my brothers funeral. I’m just drawing blanks. It’s all happening so fast!!

This week is a bit overwhelming. I’m still trying to get sponsors, but it’s not going as well as I had planned. I’m trying to go to the gym daily, but I find reasons to not go. I’m not tired but I am. I think I will feel better once EVERYTHING is done and ready for Saturday.

I used to write poetry a lot when I was growing up. It was the only way I could express my feelings. I’m trying to write a poem for Saturday and I come up with nothing. I need to clear my head big time. There is no school tomorrow and I have lots to do, but I’m hoping to get everything done and finish the day with a strong weigh in at the meeting. Wednesday I am dedicating to me. Gym, lashes, and long bath. Maybe then I can write a poem.

I hope I can start submitting my blogs too.

Created on 2017-02-09 02:02:10

February 5, 2017

Snow day!! I can’t remember the last time we got this much snow, and it’s not letting up!! I think staying warm and renting movies is in order.

Created on 2017-02-09 02:01:16

February 4, 2017

My husbands first words were “babe, I don’t think the bottle depot will be open”. Nah, I can drive in this. Everything will be open!! So a van load and two trucks full later we head to the depot for 9am, as scheduled. Half way there Branae calls…… It’s closed!!! Great go back home to hear I told you so

So what to do now? Shop!!! Food prep here we go. After shopping I made wonton soup with extra veggies and ground turkey wraps. Tomorrow I’ll be making prawn and veggie salad rolls with peanut sauce. Divvy it all up with snack portion salads, fruit, and veggies and I’m set up for success.

I’m not going to lie. This is extremely hard for me!! I am addicted to food and I think of eating drive thru or other not healthy options all day, but when I’m ready to end my day and go to sleep I’m very proud of myself for saying no. Like Gina said I’m only harming myself and it’s my choice. I either stuff my face with thousands of calories and feel guilty and sick from junk, or I fuel my body. I’m getting the hang of it.

 

Mmmmm salad rolls……

Night

 

Created on 2017-02-09 02:00:47

February 3, 2017

Please bare with me. I cannot blog from my phone, so I am saving my nightly blog and hope to have this resolved soon.

I started my day off right, eating well and going to the gym. I can feel muscle strength and stamina to get tasks done throughout my day. I feel frickin amazing!!!

So how about that snow!!? I picked up kids, dropped off kids, picked up kids again lol. It took a very long time. I don’t mind driving in the snow, but please if your driving a corvette please stay home!!

Tomorrow is our monthly bottle drive to raise $4500 to send my daughter, niece, and two more girls to Turkey Hill bible camp. It’s an enormous ranch in Missouri where the girls get their own horse for a week!! I’m very excited for them and impressed their taking initiative to raise as much of the money as possible. Huge thanks to my good friend Branae for being a mentor to these girls

 

Until next time…….

Created on 2017-02-09 02:00:01

February 2, 2017

Well yesterday’s blog didn’t save. A little disappointed yes, but I should have saved it elsewhere in case (which I will do from now on). Today was a long day. My brothers funeral is set for next weekend so I have a lot to do until then. I took a rest day as I was drained emotionally. I went to a meeting tonight for my recovery and instantly felt grounded on my two feet again. Tomorrow I’ve signed up for two Yoga classes…. I hope to also get my butt to the gym!!

I’ve thrown out my old leggings and am trying really hard to dress for my age, size, and the weather lol. My girlfriend Kristina would be proud!! She says all woman should dress with pride!!

Ok I’m pooped!! Tomorrow is a new day, and I look forward to starting it positively and staying positive throughout. So far so good on the think positive be positive way of life.

Created on 2017-02-09 01:57:46

January 31, 2017

Weigh in night went…… AWESOME!!! I’m down 3 lbs for a total of 4.8 lbs and 7.5 inches. I don’t remember having a big weight loss last time. I wasn’t very honest with myself back then either. I’ve always been a bit of a partier, and never chalked it up as a problem until it started to affect my life. It’s great to see the difference, and I’m proud of myself!!!

Our first guest tonight was the owner of Fabutan in Abbotsford. She was so nice and funny!! It’s great how much we all laugh at our weekly meeting. She explained a lot about tanning and what they offer for bulbs etc. After she was done she gave us 50 free minutes. Guess where I will be starting any now?? Lol, tanning!! Because I’m just not dark enough.

Our next guests were Kim Mallory and Heather Reider to talk to us about self esteem. It was refreshing to see a group of ladies lift each other up. We all gave each other compliments and although it was awkward to hear it made me feel really good about myself. The whole drive home I had a big smile, and I kept saying to myself that I’m a warrior. That I choose to better myself and along the way try to help others feel good about themselves.

Weekly goal update: I’ve gone to the gym everyday but still need to get 3 yoga classes in. Also my water intake is increasing and going down easier.

 

Created on 2017-02-01 02:47:55

January 30, 2017

Today I woke up with energy (after going back to bed until 7am lol). Yoga really helped me relieve my stress and I slept like a baby. Thank you Parallel Yoga!! Yoga rocks!!!

Typical Monday routine: read morning readings, breakfast, see my oldest two off to school and get three more ready. I babysit two of my friends kids during the week. I’ve decided that to make sure I succeed in going to the gym I will go right after I drop the younger three off at school. It’s actually a great way to start the day. By the time I get home and showered I’ve gotten past that first part of the day where I used to want a nap.

I ate well today, but could definitely drink more water. Ugh that dreaded water!!! Gina challenged us our first week to drink water and I did so well, but after my brother passed I simply forgot. Instead of water I’ll drink coffee. I only drank one coffee, one green tea, and 1,000 ml of water today. That scares me for weigh in tomorrow. I think tomorrow I’ll write motivational notes around the house reminding me to drink water.

I better try and get a good nights sleep. Gotta get that water in tomorrow, and go to our weekly weigh in. Stay tuned for tomorrow night to see what the scale says.

Created on 2017-01-31 01:16:39

January 29, 2017

Today I made good food choices, went to the gym, and went to yoga. I’m really digging Parallel Yoga. I go in thinking I’m not cut out for yoga, and am embarrassed by my body, but right away it all goes away. My thoughts are gone, my reservations are gone, and it’s about me and my body and how I feel. It’s so relaxing!!! My husband says I should go whenever it’s possible, so my goal next week is to go to the gym everyday, and Yoga 3 times minimum.

It just dawned on me that I’m setting attainable goals…. I know I can do this and not fail. Every week I will attack more and more!!

Created on 2017-01-30 01:11:10

 

January 28, 2017

I actually feel human again! Slept well, and went to the gym. I met with Gina about my eating habits, and pretty much reaffirming I can do this. The eating has always been a hard one on me. Drinking on a Friday and KFC on Saturday kind of diet. Keep that kind of lifestyle up and you will balloon up 60 lbs!! Im appalled how fast I gained this weight!! 

I’m not used to asking people for anything. It’s usually the other way around, so finding businesses was hard. I did the best I could and I am happy with that. 

I have been thinking about my brother Eddie a lot today too. I miss him… I wish I could hear him say ball, or meow just one more time. Deep breaths.

Created on 2017-01-30 01:06:21

 

January 27, 2017

Today I am working my steps, and relaxing. I am working on getting my mind clear and ready to get back to the gym. I also am on the hunt for sponsors for the amazing race next month. So much to do!! I checked out Parallel Yoga today with Tara, another of the top 30. Yoga is great!! I can feel where all the tension is!! I cant wait to go back again, and again!!

Created on 2017-01-30 01:04:10

 

January 26, 2017

Getting better I feel. Went to a meeting and connected with people in recovery. I never belonged when I was growing up. I was way beyond my years and never related to others. It feels nice to be meeting people who feel the same as me. Finding friends who don’t party anymore are hard to find. I miss my old friends, but choose a different path in life.

Created on 2017-01-30 01:03:27

January 25, 2017 

I am now just coasting through the days it feels. I am feeling the depression kick in and I forgot I joined this challenge to get back my health and motivation!! I cannot go to the gym because my body feels very weak, so instead I will focus on my water and food.

Created on 2017-01-30 01:02:38

January 24, 2017

Today I went to the funeral home with my mother. Not the greatest day of my life or my proudest. Nothing like getting into a screaming match with family in the time of death. I am emotionally drained, and am now talking myself out of the challenge. 

I kicked my feet out from under me and dragged myself to the weekly meeting. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I recall Kara from Parallel Yoga and Karina from Project K being there. I feel bad I wasn’t fully aware in the meeting, but I have a lot on my mind right now. I think I’ll finally get some sleep. I’ve never been so tired. 

Created on 2017-01-30 01:00:55

January 23, 2017

I haven’t slept since midnight when I got the call my brother passed away in emergency last night. I didn’t get the call until he had been gone an hour, so I was quite upset I didn’t get to say good bye. My mother was there, and she makes me feel rejected. I feel horrible for not seeing my brother enough. He had Lennox Gastaut Syndrome leaving him handicap. My mother never lets me forget how she gave him up for me “her normal child”. I saw him occasionally but not nearly enough. I always thought there would be more time. I miss his beautiful smile, and love for his puppy bears. No sleep has me feeling hopeless. I feel the need to go to the gym, because I don’t want to lose this challenge but I simply cannot do anything but cry.

My big brother Eddie Spaghetti

My big brother Eddie Spaghetti

Created on 2017-01-30 00:59:59

 

January 18-22, 2017

PHEW!!! Im pooped. Gym everyday, watching my food intake, and children have me busy. Between cadets, and basketball games, and the kids I babysit I am tired. Im not used to pushing my body, but it feels good. I feel so good from drinking water!! I NEVER liked water, and now I am drinking 120oz a day!! Say what!!??

Created on 2017-01-30 00:47:05

 

January 17th, 2017

Went to Club 16 for a great work out with Shannon, and met her friend Asia who works there. Let me tell you, if you want someone who will make you smile and laugh then definitely go to Club 16 and ask for her. I usually avoid gyms like the plague. My girlfriend and I always joke about having to go see “JIM” and how “JIM” is no fun and well “JIM” usually didn’t see much of me.. Well this time I actually like seeing “JIM” lol!! 

Tonight is our first meeting to do measures, and get a talk on Nutrition with Gina from Herbalife. It’s nice to be surrounded with woman who are all supporting each other.

Created on 2017-01-30 00:46:18

January 16, 2017

Today I had my appointment with Heather Reider, she is a sponsor and a life coach. Boy did I cry over our half hour call. It felt really good to let someone else know some stuff that has been weighing me down. She said that this is far more than a journey, but that I was embarking on my expedition. WOW expedition. She nailed it!! I have held on to all my pain my entire life, and it has hindered my way to live happily. Sure, I am a happy person, but inside deep down I am broken. A childhood full of abuse in all forms has left me constantly unhappy. I am ready to let go of the past and continue my life the way I intend it to be.

I also learned from Heather that I do not need to live up to my grandmother Lucille. What an amazing woman she was. I still try to do right by her even in her passing. I miss her dearly and feel I have failed in life. But, as I let go of the past I look forward to a bright future.  

I’ve always been known as a “Johnstone”, or “silver spoon”, or “Chucks daughter”. Adopted into a well off family, I grew up on 50 acres in Fort Langley with a Tennis Court and a mansion. But, underneath it all I was a scared little girl not getting the proper tools in life to help me as an adult. My grandma lived to work and my parents were alcoholics. By 12 I pretty much had a say in how I was living my life. By 14 I was a high school drop out, and a full time partier. Fast forward to now, and I have 3 beautiful children and a life worth living.

I am 100% ready to learn as much as I can from this challenge, and grow as a person. I want purpose in life. I am looking forward to all that is being offered to me. My biggest goal is to gain the confidence to go back to school full time. I would really like to take social work, and help people. I’ve also thought of doing motivational speaking…… If I ever learn to speak comfortably in a crowd.

 

Created on 2017-01-30 00:43:24

January 15, 2017

Tonight I went to the meet and greet to meet all the sponsors and other challengers. I was really nervous because we couldn’t bring a guest, and last time I brought some family for support. I was talking myself out of going because the last few months I haven’t gone out much, and to be honest it scared me. Am I ever glad I went!! I ran into some people that I knew and are challengers in the Langley challenge, and Shannon who was in the same year as I was. It felt good to know a couple of people, and I calmed down almost immediately. The sponsors were so nice, and it was great to see so much thoughtfulness in one room!! I am so ready for this!

Daineca from Langley challenge and I at the meet and greet.

Daineca from Langley challenge and I at the meet and greet.

Created on 2017-01-30 00:36:40

January 13, 2017

I got the call again!! I entered to be in the Total Makeover Challenge two days ago for my second time, and I was picked!!! I am feeling so much right now. My first time in this challenge I did really well, but it was a hard time in my life as I was dealing with a lot of stress from leaving a 8 year long abusive relationship. Since then, I have chosen to join recovery and abstain from drugs and alcohol. I am so excited to embark on this journey to health and happiness.

 

Created on 2017-01-30 00:28:17