Right now I am having a coffee with no sugar because our challenge this week was to keep track of all the sugar we consume in one day and it is very surprising how many items have a lot of sugar in them that you wouldn’t think do !!
I haven’t blogged lately because I have been stuck being miserable. If I do not make it a priority to love myself I “forget” to do the things I should be doing. There was a five day stretch that I didn’t go to the gym. I have been doing ok with my eating but not eating as much as I should in order to get my metabolism where it needs to be. When I was feeling down I reached out to some of the girls in the challenge and they said they feel the same way to. I know we all experience similar challenges but I feel like it’s always just me and that I should be doing better and trying harder.
today is one of those days where I’d like to sleep so I don’t feel any stress from the world. I feel so lonely even though I’m surrounded by such great people. I feel lonely because I don’t provide myself with the self love I should. I don’t feel truly content until I have someone who I know has open arms for me whenever I want. I don’t have that right now. I have an ex boyfriend who only cared for me because I did everything for him. I have someone I went on two dates with who I’m over the moon about but who I can tell isn’t ready for a committed relationship.
I know it’s been said that you shouldn’t seek love until you love yourself but I fondness such happiness in loving someone and having them love me back. It’s been four years since I’ve had a healthy relationship with someone who put in equal effort. I guess that takes a toll on the mind and body.
I see these girls who are single and look happy. How do I get like that? How do I learn to not only tolerate my own existence but learn to enjoy it ? Ugh.
im going to let myself get this cry out and then I’m going to put on some makeup and do my hair and act as if everything is perfect.
The Top 15 were announced today ! I did not make it. I am not surprised because there are so many women who worked very hard so everybody was deserving of a spot and that’s just how it works sometimes. I’m not a very competitive person and I don’t really look at things from a winning or losing perspective. I am very happy and proud for the women who got a spot in the Top 15. I am using their hard work and dedication as inspiration and will try harder to achieve better results. The girls who advanced, some I knew would for sure. There are women who are much more outgoing than I am. There are girls who have really put themselves out there and networked and made friends with Sponsors and other challengers. As open as I am, I do not make new friends fast. I am not someone who would walk up to a stranger and start a random conversation or share a laugh with someone I don’t know. I feel if I open up a bit more, I could potentially make some great connections and learn a lot along the way.
I am going to try for the Wild Card. I will continue the gym and clean eating on a daily basis. I will attend the meetings and continue to build relationships with the other girls and keep in touch with all the challengers through our Facebook and hope to go for coffee with some of them.
I find it very inspiring to be surrounded by women who have faced obstacles in life and still find the time to better themselves and love themselves enough to do so. I am finding this to be challenging and I’ve yet to add marriage and children into the mix ! I want to learn everything I can and love myself so I am confident that I can face a bright and happy future because I am ok with myself. I can’t say that that has been something I have been able to do in the past and that is something I want to contribute to throughout this challenge. I learn something through every workout, conversation, meeting, etc and I don’t want to quit learning.
This journey of learning to love myself is such a great thing. I feel better than I have in a very long time, both mentally and physically. I am forming healthy habits that I don’t want to live without and I’ve met some great people that I would like to continue sharing this journey with.
Some may think that today is a bad day because I lost… but I did not lose and I’m choosing to look at it as a win for me and I’m excited for the future.
Tomorrow is The Amazing Race and the announcement of the Top 15. I thought I wasn’t too stressed but if I stop and feel what’s going on in my body I am definitely anxious.
Voting is officially over ! What a relief. It was a very big eye opener having the voting going on. I am really happy that so many people were so willing to vote and people were so supportive. It made me wonder how many other uplifting experiences I may have missed out on by always isolating myself. I hope to use this experience to put myself out there more and branch out into other areas outside my comfort zone because there really isn’t much to be afraid of and plenty to miss out on. I think that I’ve always been happy with just my family because I have great siblings who I am so close to and a mom and dad who I can talk to about anything and laugh with endlessly. As we are getting older my siblings are building their own lives with their partners and I guess I should embrace that and do the same.
I start a new job on Monday and am looking forward to the routine. I think the lack of structure is contributing to me feeling anxious and a little on the blah side. I have nothing to complain about and a lot I could brag about so the missing element must be the routine part. I have been off work for three months now and although I stay busy, a Monday to Friday routine is good for me. It will also help me stay on top of my eating and working out by keeping my time consistent each day.
I did go on a date with someone twice in the last few weeks. He is a very special person with a great head on his shoulders and I felt a bit intimidated meeting someone new as I am living at my parents, fresh out of a break up, unhappy with my weight, etc. I always read those quotes though that say things like, “If not now then when” or “be happy with what you have while working towards what you want”. So I thought even though I don’t have a great job or situation to talk about at a date, I am still a person worthy of a great night out and someone would be lucky to meet me, job and happiness or not. There did come a point in our date where he asked me what my plan was…… yikes. I didn’t really know how to respond. I have 100 plans in this overactive mind of mine. I honestly didn’t want to answer because I felt like I wouldn’t be understood or maybe he would judge me for my lack of a plan. We chatted shortly about what I would like to do and what I was currently working on and he seemed fine with the answer. I found myself obsessing about the question after he dropped me off though. I thought to myself, of course I have a plan….. but I couldn’t really put it into words. Right now I am working on being healthy, physically and mentally. I want to gain my confidence and happiness back. I want to stop putting others selfish needs ahead of my own necessities. Is that a plan though? To some that is just part of living but to me this is something I am spending a conscious effort on on a daily basis, trying to make it a routine in my day to day life. Can I justify that as my plan?
Today is the last full day for voting. It has been an experience! I have put in great effort asking people to vote and trying to remind everyone to do it daily. I have had great support from people on Facebook. Friends from highschool and just over the years have been so nice voting for me each day and giving encouraging words. It’s really shown me that although we are all different, we really do have a lot in common. A lot of the people I’ve talked to can relate to putting themselves to the side and people have congratulated me on working towards bettering myself. There’s always a stigma when it comes to sharing your personal stories or emotions because of the chance of judgment or prejudice but I am lucky to be surrounded by people who understand and support it.
Tonight will be our final weigh in. I feel good about my week. My working out has been great and the food has been good as well. I don’t eat as often as I should but I am making healthy choices so I know it will all come together.
I am off to the gym now and then taking the dogs to the beach with my sister. Today will be a good day. xo
At the Real Me Seminar this past week a lady shared some of the biggest regrets of people who were passing away. There are five of them and I am going to share them with you:
1. They wished they would have had the courage to live life true to themselves.
2. They wished that they hadn’t worked so hard because they missed so much family time.
3. They wish they had the courage to express their feelings and not settled for a mediocre existence.
4. They would have liked to stay in touch with friends.
5. They wish they would had let themselves be happier because happiness is a choice.
How do I feel about these? I do relate to them. I am very self aware of my life and what I do and do not do and I know that I have missed out on plenty of opportunities for happiness throughout the years. I have made it a priority of mine that I speak my emotions when I feel them, to not let something go unsaid. When I was 15 or so I went to Ottawa for a week with school. When I left my Nanny was in good health and came to see me off. While away we were emailing back and forth and she was very short with her responses but I didn’t think much of it. The day I landed back home in Vancouver my family was to meet me at the airport but only my dad and brother were there. My Nanny was in the hospital and my dad said we could go and see her the next morning. I went to bed that night with the plans on going to see her in the morning but was woken up early to be told that she had passed away. There was a cancer in her body spreading so fast that it hadn’t been detected and within 8 days she went from healthy to passing away. I always left my Nanny with a hug and a kiss and an “I love you” so there were no unspoken words I would had like to have said, but it did show me how fragile life is and how tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. Going forward from that day I have made it a priority to go to bed happy and grateful with no bad feelings or uncertainty with any of my loved ones.
Although my work ethic is strong, I always pick a family function over work and try to work a job where it is flexible and I do not miss out on too many family get togethers. Staying in touch with friends is something I haven’t been very good at and this challenge has helped me to realize that I want to make a better effort to say yes to invitations and follow through on all plans with friends. I do have a small circle of people I am very close to and chat with on a regular basis. I do have some great people in my life though so I need to make a better effort at reconnecting with. I remember when I was a teenager my friend was having a birthday get together for her husband and I was invited. We had our birthdays in the same month so I almost never missed his birthday celebration. At the time I was dating someone who wasn’t a good person and the relationship was very up and down. That day wasn’t a good day for me because my boyfriend and I were fighting and I just wanted to hide in the comfort of my miserable home and not have to put a smile on for everyone. I went anyway and left him behind. When I got to the party and it was time for cake, my friend had also baked a cake for me as my birthday wasn’t too far away. I was so happy I was there and couldn’t help but think how I would have felt if I chose not to go and her hard work and excitement for the cake she made me went to waste. From that day forward I try very hard to tell myself I must follow through on all plans but to be honest, I haven’t been very good at it so I am going to try harder.
I don’t believe in regrets. I lived years regretting certain choices or relationships that I had made and realized that it does nothing but take away from your contentment with today. I have to make a conscious effort to make sure my actions contribute to a healthy well being and that is one thing I can say has improved for me throughout the years and is something I am proud of.
The voting has began and I think I’m handling the stress well however I just checked and I’m in 25 out of 30. The votes make the pictures move around constantly so I cannot be too concerned with it. I am really hoping to make it to Round 2 but all I can do is hope for the best as I’ve been doing all I can. I am part of a group of very well deserving women so I will be happy for everyone who makes it.
The gym has officially become a habit and it is such an invigorating feeling. I enjoy walking into the gym and spending energy on bettering myself. I am starting to feel the changes and that is very satisfying. I am on the right path to losing the 40 pounds I want gone by Summer. Slow and steady wins the race.
i have felt the support of others throughout this whole journey but especially when it came to voting. I have friends who I haven’t spoken to in years and people I grew up with sending me messages that they are voting regularly and it’s such a nice feeling. I’ve lost connections with a lot of people and this is helping me realize I would like to re establish some of those connections.
It was a weigh in night ! In the last two weeks I have lost 3.6 lbs and 3.5 inches !! I am happy with those numbers and of course I am going to try and match or beat those next week. Slow and steady wins the race and I am not going to stress about my eating and working out because ultimately this is a lifestyle change and I want it to be long term.
The snow has finally melted and I was out and about again ! On Friday I was able to go to She’s Fit, Fabutan and JJ Nails to have myself a little “me” day. Those are three of the sponsors for the Challenge and they are all great people and conveniently located close to home.
Being back at the gym was such a good feeling. I watched some music videos of Beyoncé and got into the groove and had a great workout. Going home after the gym was such a satisfying feeling. After I have worked out and feel amazing I always question why there are days that I do not go to the gym knowing what a great feeling I will feel after.
I missed last weeks weigh in so Tuesday will be a good indicator as to how I am doing with my food and exercise. Eating the right food has been good as I am looking at food as fueling my body and giving my body what I need to function. The working out has been more of a challenge because I tend to feel more comfortable at home. I know that the more I put myself out there, at the gym and in life in general, I will be more confident and comfortable.
What I have noticed with this challenge is that it has prompted me to think of other areas of my life that I want to improve. Once you learn to love yourself and value who you are as a unique individual you can conquer whatever goals you set for yourself. Saying that, what are my goals and when do I start to pursue them?
I am a person who tends to be very all or nothing. I either have 100 things on the go or nothing. Now that I am starting to feel good about myself and gain my confidence back I start thinking I should figure out a career path, look for volunteer opportunities and reconnect with everyone I’ve lost touch with. Yes that sounds great and productive, but I tend to overload myself and than get very disappointed in myself for not following through on my plans.
This brings me to the question, how long does it take for you to be confident in your successes before you move onto your next challenge?
I still haven’t left the house! The snow is out of control. I have stuck to my meals though and have walked and shoveled snow. I can say I feel like I am losing some of the mojo that I had at the beginning of this challenge. I know results are not instant, it just gets frustrating sometimes when you want to see in the mirror how you feel inside. I have a date tomorrow night and I can’t help but think what the other person will see as I know I don’t look the way I want people to perceive me. When I push those negative thoughts aside I do feel good knowing that I am working on myself and that the world doesn’t revolve around how I look… although Society does make you feel like that sometimes. I saw an advertisement for a new show that is filmed in Vancouver and it is based on women who survive off the financial support of a sugar daddy or “sponsor”. This is why I don’t watch TV because there are so many other things we should be spending our time on. I get that it can be entertainment but these are real people and why are we commending them? I work hard and chose not to sell my body or sacrifice my well being for the benefit of financial gain or a new designer bag. It gets discouraging when the world caters to those who make headlines for undesirable things. Lets talk about the people working two jobs to support their family, or the teenager in foster care whose trying to better themselves, anything but these people who take the easy way in life and expect us to respect them for it.
Another snow day. Something happened today that made me think of my self esteem and how I feel about myself. I have always been self conscious about what I look like. It hasn’t always been a bad thing but I’ve always been aware of what I look like and how it looks in comparison to others. It is so hard not to compare yourself because social media and tv have beautiful women all the time plastered all over the place. On Instagram the “prettiest” girls with the “nicest” bodies have the most followers. My heart can be more pure than someone else but somebody may not take the time to find that out as we are so quick to judge others by first appearance. I wonder how I would feel about myself if I didn’t have millions of images of women to compare myself to.
When my last relationship ended i told myself I wouldn’t date until I lost some weight and started feeling better about myself. Should I deprive myself of that excitement though? I know inside that I don’t feel good about myself at this weight because I know it means I didn’t like myself and didn’t take care of myself. Others do not know that this isn’t my normal weight or that I am uncomfortable in my skin so I don’t have to let that dim my personality and life. Moving forward I am going to love myself for who I am today and not prevent good things from happening because I am not exactly where I want to be.
Another snow day ! Tomorrow I will venture out. Sitting around today after three days of being home and in addition to not working my brain has been in overdrive. Through the Challenge I have met so many nice people who have either sponsored us or provided some type of a seminar to us ladies. I want to be one of those people that make a difference in the world. I know I can make a difference by holding doors open or complimenting a stranger but I want to make a big impact in the world. I know I have the leadership capabilities and I have the passion of wanting to help people, I just have to figure out how.
I have a friend who is travelling right now and I feel like I could leave for a month or so and while being out of my comfortable environment I made discover something about myself to point me in the right direction. I wont be disappointed if don’t, I know I may not discover it for another year or so, maybe even ten or twenty years. I am petrified of wasting time in this world just surviving day to day life, I want to live.
I woke up still not feeling well and my car covered in snow so I decided to call it a home day. The one thing I have realized while being home for the last two days is how my mind doesn’t wander as much as it used to. Usually if I were home for two days not feeling well and snowed in I would be very agitated and miserable. I think the difference with this time is that I have really been working on controlling my thoughts and not letting my mind wander because it is usually with negative thoughts.
When we did our first weigh in I was 188 pounds. I have never been over 155 pounds my entire life. Two years ago I competed in a fitness competition and got my weight down to 140 pounds and kept it there for over a year. In just the last year I totally let my stress take over and my comfort in food got uncontrollable. I didn’t see the 160s, 170s or the 180s on the scale until I did my weigh in for this competition – I guess that is how out of touch I was with my body. I also didn’t have a full length mirror in my house for the last six months and didn’t look in the mirror because I would be upset with what I saw but knew I was too overwhelmed with life to do anything about it. Something that I am struggling with in this challenge is that I have done this before. I have lost weight and ate healthy and worked out. My frame of mind however is completely different. I am now focused on loving myself so that I can maintain these healthy habits. I used to work out and eat better because I wanted to look a certain way, It wasn’t for healthy reasons. There are times where I feel discouraged because if I would have done things right in the past I could be improving a body that is already healthy but I can’t let the past dictate how I feel about myself today. This is today, this is where I am, and I am grateful for this opportunity so I will not waste any time on what I should have done.
I woke up with a sore throat and congested head so I have been in bed all day. I had to reschedule my job shadow that I had for this morning. I always get so nervous when I get sick or feel like I’m getting sick because the symptoms are similar to that of my depression. It’s very hard to rest when I know I should be going to the gym and eating my meals. It is also hard to rest when a part of my body is questioning if this is my depression and I should ignore the physical pain and push through the day.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night about life and how we get so caught up in making a living to pay for our house, car, bills, etc, for us to only get up to go to work to pay for it all. It’s a cycle that many can find unsatisfying and her and I both agree that there has to be more to life than this. This conversation brought me back to the one I had with my friend who is travelling right now when he asked me what is new in my life and I had nothing to say. I’m in the same spot I was four years ago. Living at home, lost my job due to letting my depression take over and too scared to date because I am scared of having a broken heart on top of an already hard life.
My brain is constantly battling all of these ideas and emotions and I think I get so overwhelmed with it all that I end up throwing in the towel instead of sorting it out. I know that I am still young and that I am in a position to follow whatever dreams I have but I need to just take the first step … how do you determine what the first step is?
It always amazes me how I can have such a great productive day one day and then a miserable one the next. I spent more time in the sun yesterday and I think that makes a difference for me.
tomorrow is a new day and I am going to job shadow for an hour to see what the new job would be like. It’s important to get back into a routine because I’m starting to feel restless.
I just got home from our weekly meeting and I always leave feeling so empowered. Each of the ladies who are participating in this challenge have such a great energy and it’s such a relief to be around people who want to succeed in being happy as much as I do. Tonight we had a lady from Fabutan come and speak to us about the services they are offering and how important Vitamin D is to us. We also had the life coach come and do a presentation on self esteem and being confident. I had a 30 minute phone session with Heather Rieder the life coach two weeks ago and she is such an amazing lady. She could identify each of my areas that need improvement and took a very blunt approach to it. I respected how she spoke to me because she could tell I was sick of being stuck in my pity bubble and she could tell that I was capable of much more and wanted me to start living that life of fulfillment I yearn for so badly. It was great to hear from someone that they recognize my strengths by listening to me speak of my weaknesses and it made me excited for the continued emotional growth that will happen during this challenge.
At the beginning of each meeting we do our weigh in and measures. I am up a pound or so but overall I have lost 6 inches so that makes me happy. I have purchased some of the Herbalife products that we were provided free samples of and it has me feeling great when it comes to making food choices and having energy.
Tomorrow is supposed to be another sunny day so I plan on getting outside and letting the sun absorb any negative energy I am carrying and spending some quality time with my sister.
I feel good today. My jeans went on smoothly so that set the mood for the day My family did have a large get together yesterday and there was tons of food but I made sure to eat my meals to avoid some of the temptation. I did enjoy a piece of birthday cake and felt bad about it but I know a treat now and then isn’t a deal breaker!
I went to a job interview today at a dog kennel. I quit my job in December working in a Notary office because when life gets hard it makes it much harder sitting at a desk for 10 hours a day over worked, underappreciated and underpaid. Another part of my “making Cheyenne happy” focus this year is I want a job that I get fulfillment from. I love animals so I think a dog kennel will be a good fit. I get to stay active, be surrounded by dogs and people with a similar passion. This job will not pay the bills so I have to weigh out the options but I’ve had jobs that do pay the bills and I was miserable with them….. I think that if you start with a passion you will make it work though so I am going to focus on what makes me happy and the money will follow.
I had a great workout today at the She’s Fit Trevor Linden Club 16 gym today. The elliptical offers different courses and as I chose to run the Utah National Park. The screen makes it appear you are running there and it was easier to get the cardio done that way.
This challenge is a blessing for me. I have been going to counseling regularly for the last two years and have very slowly realized I have a life consumed by taking care of others to give myself gratification. I have a great support system and know there are opportunities I have missed because I was looking in the wrong direction. I am not one to make New Years Resolutions because I hate setting myself up for failure but I promised myself this year would be different. I was going to love myself and only do things that contribute to my well being in 2017 and I will find my passion in the world and start to learn what happy looks and feels like.
This challenge is helping to keep me accountable for the promises all of us ladies have made to ourselves and I take great comfort knowing nothing is wrong with me when I feel a lack of direction in life because I am not the only one with a good heart and lost soul in this world.
I am very excited to take it one day at a time while I work towards being healthier, inside and out.
Jan 24 (my first blog entry)
Today was our second official meeting. It is such a comforting feeling to be surrounded by women who you share something in common with. I love that I can be vulnerable in such a safe environment and have compassion for some great ladies.
I’m learning so much from our speakers and about myself while I go through this process and I’m starting to be excited about life again. It feels great.